paramore

lots of concerts lately.

she called me the last day jaclyn was here and said: ive never been more disappointed in you. but check the internet.
so i checked facebook and she had posted picture from her few days here.
what the hell are you disappointed in me for? because i hadnt called you in about two weeks? well maybe i have three jobs, gurl. maybe you also told me that you didnt want to talk until you were ready?
what is it with this theme about people being upset at someone else for not communicating with them when they themselves are not putting effort towards communicating? and especially when one party states that they need time before talking can start? mk...rite.
then she unfriended me and before i had even processed that as a bad thing i just try to friend request her. and the next day i got a message.

fuck you.

i didnt respond. and i havent. and i wont.
it sucks. i dont know why it does. but it does.
and i miss her. what?
i was talking with my therapist about my need to maintain communication with someone that has been that important in my life and he was really pressing me to figure out why. i cant say that i know why. but cant it be that you still love them? you dont have to be in love but i mean, when you share a bed every nite, when the best times in my life are directly connected to times with certain people, how can you lose that?

it still hurts. it shouldnt. im so happy so unbelievably grateful for who i have now but there are moments where i still imagine and hear and see the parts of alexandra that i really loved being around.

i dont think she actually was in love with me. i think i was just not an asshole like some of the other guys shes dated. i also think that im a fucking spectacle and she loved the attention that gravitated from me to her.
i loved our time. fuck spectacles.



illegitimus non carborundum est

and
fuck you
too
alexandra



illegitimus non carborundum est

my last post was number 100

so
recently

:i was a cabin counselor for eight guys at camp high five, a camp for kids with hiv aids

:i met a guy named garrett who runs HERO, a NPO based in Atlanta for pediatric hiv/aids and now ive jumped on doing photography and media and art and stuff for them. the big event is on saturday and im stoked. i have two art presentations being shown.

:jaclyn came to visit for a few days and i i dunno, im out of words. it was amazing. she is. i like this.

:alexandra called me a few days ago with 'ive never been more disappointed in you, but check online' so i saw that she put up pictures and i have no idea what shes talking about. maybe because we havent talked? she was the one that said she wanted time before we really started talking again, so im fine with that but damn. and she just unfriended me about five minutes ago...seriously, lets grow up a little. its been easier and easier to communicate with her. pretty much because we havent talked in about three weeks. im ok with that. no. im good with that.

:i went to warped tour. fuck yes. coheed and cambria, anberlin, chiodos, circa survive, holiday parade, all time low, my american heart, norma jean, paramore, bad religion...sooooo fucking good

im out of things to say. im a little pissed off at life. i dont know why. but i am. i think i feel detached.from.abandoned.

illegitimus non carborundum est

office space

alexandra is gone.
i miss her. its weird. i wanted so badly for her not to come.
the first half was meh, we fought, we hated, we hugged.
the second half could not have gone better. we were able to be brutally honest about why we think each one of us cant handle the other. it was so fulfilling. then we got down to our bare emotions and psychologys and were able to be what we never had been before for each other. it was really great.
now i miss her.
she doesnt really want me to call about mondane stuff, just emotional stuff, like if shit really hits the fan for me. she wants some time, some space. im ok with that. but its good to know that we are good.

jaclyn is working a ton and we get some moments to talk and every word is great. weve been back and forth about defining ourselves and weve realized that we love what we are in and we love not having to be societys bitches. we know what we are and what we mean to each other rite now, so why modify it?

im peeling continents.

this is my hundredth post.

thanks for your help on nascar...

illegitimus non carborundum est

so

dad left
hes in his new apartment

alexandra left
on a great note
we did very well
we are very well
team FaST is back to normal
well
back to well

jaclyn is amazing

lizys boyfriend in coming in this morning and im excited to meet him

alexis saw a guy that looks just like me
fabulous

i watched beyond border and it was great

i think im doing ok

the photographer stuff is taking a while to work out and im not liking that

i need to make cards and start sending my postsecrets back in

im figurin things out

mk



illegitimus non carborundum est

illegitimus non carborundum est

farewell florida

i have spent the last two weeks in florida, the first in destin and the most recent in orlando, with mark. weve taken orlando and done everything we can with it. weve ridden the hulk about twelve times, the dr doom a ton, i ate way too fucking much, ive burned down a few cigars while on the phone, i spent too many quarters on nostalgic video games, ive eaten fish, ive talked to every ex and even a gurl too far away to handle who i just cant get close enough too. ive even spoken with friends from far away lands and those who have returned. all in all, its been a pretty damn good past few weeks. i road tripped to destin, then i drove to baton rouge, then back, then back, then flew to orlando. ive met rockers, hottys, white trash, readjusted things with my brother, and gone through a little family hell.

now i have alexandra waiting in atlanta. what am i supposed to do with that? i dont want this emotiona rollercoaster. ive been on real ones already. i wont be feeling feelings of love, i wont be wanting another try. she will, however, pssively manipulate her way into my pants which i want no part of. i dont want any opportunity and i dont want her. i care for her on an unbelievable extent, but i want nothing reminiscent of what we were, of what we loved. i take back what i said about her passively manipulating her way into my pants. she wont bother. ive laid it out that i wont take part and i will continue to do so.

regarding family hell...the hell is not so much hell. its a purgatory, really. a liminal waiting place where decisions either dont come quickly enough or they just come forced upon.
finally, though, my parents have had it out, it seems for the last time, and are throwing in the towel, or however the phrase goes. its looks like a twenty-one year marriage and a twenty-six year relationship mite finally comes to a california-rolling stop.
.thank.god.
for years ive asked to move out with someone, since about freshman year of high school. finally i got to when i left for college, but it just wasnt far enough.
i did it, i actually did it when i got to italy, but comin back to the states left me more depressed than ever. the realization that there is, in fact, a life to be lived state-side. one that i dont want to be in.
so my upset days and weeks in new york, that really were just atlanta transposed into the northeast, have brought my parents' focus to my well-being, after ive learned to grow with the pain and work with it in other ways.
thanks for picking up about six years too late. thanks for modifying my life.
it has pulled me into a summer of atlanta, opposite of where i want and need to be. it has opened the doors, though, to places i dont wish to travel, to schools and decisions that i want no part of for the next few years, but it isnt really my decision, is it? no, the check-writer tells me where im happyst.
while i may have won over my mom with my emotional testimony of gallatins unique values and puzzle-like fit into my life, my guideline-driven father cannot allow a bending-boundary institution, force, to become my environment.
it is, in fact, rules that govern us, did you know? and that we really dont have much more than a box in which to think.

fuck the box. let me make a mandelbrot of my life.

illegitimus non carborundum est