paramore

lots of concerts lately.

she called me the last day jaclyn was here and said: ive never been more disappointed in you. but check the internet.
so i checked facebook and she had posted picture from her few days here.
what the hell are you disappointed in me for? because i hadnt called you in about two weeks? well maybe i have three jobs, gurl. maybe you also told me that you didnt want to talk until you were ready?
what is it with this theme about people being upset at someone else for not communicating with them when they themselves are not putting effort towards communicating? and especially when one party states that they need time before talking can start? mk...rite.
then she unfriended me and before i had even processed that as a bad thing i just try to friend request her. and the next day i got a message.

fuck you.

i didnt respond. and i havent. and i wont.
it sucks. i dont know why it does. but it does.
and i miss her. what?
i was talking with my therapist about my need to maintain communication with someone that has been that important in my life and he was really pressing me to figure out why. i cant say that i know why. but cant it be that you still love them? you dont have to be in love but i mean, when you share a bed every nite, when the best times in my life are directly connected to times with certain people, how can you lose that?

it still hurts. it shouldnt. im so happy so unbelievably grateful for who i have now but there are moments where i still imagine and hear and see the parts of alexandra that i really loved being around.

i dont think she actually was in love with me. i think i was just not an asshole like some of the other guys shes dated. i also think that im a fucking spectacle and she loved the attention that gravitated from me to her.
i loved our time. fuck spectacles.



illegitimus non carborundum est

and
fuck you
too
alexandra



illegitimus non carborundum est

my last post was number 100

so
recently

:i was a cabin counselor for eight guys at camp high five, a camp for kids with hiv aids

:i met a guy named garrett who runs HERO, a NPO based in Atlanta for pediatric hiv/aids and now ive jumped on doing photography and media and art and stuff for them. the big event is on saturday and im stoked. i have two art presentations being shown.

:jaclyn came to visit for a few days and i i dunno, im out of words. it was amazing. she is. i like this.

:alexandra called me a few days ago with 'ive never been more disappointed in you, but check online' so i saw that she put up pictures and i have no idea what shes talking about. maybe because we havent talked? she was the one that said she wanted time before we really started talking again, so im fine with that but damn. and she just unfriended me about five minutes ago...seriously, lets grow up a little. its been easier and easier to communicate with her. pretty much because we havent talked in about three weeks. im ok with that. no. im good with that.

:i went to warped tour. fuck yes. coheed and cambria, anberlin, chiodos, circa survive, holiday parade, all time low, my american heart, norma jean, paramore, bad religion...sooooo fucking good

im out of things to say. im a little pissed off at life. i dont know why. but i am. i think i feel detached.from.abandoned.

illegitimus non carborundum est

office space

alexandra is gone.
i miss her. its weird. i wanted so badly for her not to come.
the first half was meh, we fought, we hated, we hugged.
the second half could not have gone better. we were able to be brutally honest about why we think each one of us cant handle the other. it was so fulfilling. then we got down to our bare emotions and psychologys and were able to be what we never had been before for each other. it was really great.
now i miss her.
she doesnt really want me to call about mondane stuff, just emotional stuff, like if shit really hits the fan for me. she wants some time, some space. im ok with that. but its good to know that we are good.

jaclyn is working a ton and we get some moments to talk and every word is great. weve been back and forth about defining ourselves and weve realized that we love what we are in and we love not having to be societys bitches. we know what we are and what we mean to each other rite now, so why modify it?

im peeling continents.

this is my hundredth post.

thanks for your help on nascar...

illegitimus non carborundum est

so

dad left
hes in his new apartment

alexandra left
on a great note
we did very well
we are very well
team FaST is back to normal
well
back to well

jaclyn is amazing

lizys boyfriend in coming in this morning and im excited to meet him

alexis saw a guy that looks just like me
fabulous

i watched beyond border and it was great

i think im doing ok

the photographer stuff is taking a while to work out and im not liking that

i need to make cards and start sending my postsecrets back in

im figurin things out

mk



illegitimus non carborundum est

illegitimus non carborundum est

farewell florida

i have spent the last two weeks in florida, the first in destin and the most recent in orlando, with mark. weve taken orlando and done everything we can with it. weve ridden the hulk about twelve times, the dr doom a ton, i ate way too fucking much, ive burned down a few cigars while on the phone, i spent too many quarters on nostalgic video games, ive eaten fish, ive talked to every ex and even a gurl too far away to handle who i just cant get close enough too. ive even spoken with friends from far away lands and those who have returned. all in all, its been a pretty damn good past few weeks. i road tripped to destin, then i drove to baton rouge, then back, then back, then flew to orlando. ive met rockers, hottys, white trash, readjusted things with my brother, and gone through a little family hell.

now i have alexandra waiting in atlanta. what am i supposed to do with that? i dont want this emotiona rollercoaster. ive been on real ones already. i wont be feeling feelings of love, i wont be wanting another try. she will, however, pssively manipulate her way into my pants which i want no part of. i dont want any opportunity and i dont want her. i care for her on an unbelievable extent, but i want nothing reminiscent of what we were, of what we loved. i take back what i said about her passively manipulating her way into my pants. she wont bother. ive laid it out that i wont take part and i will continue to do so.

regarding family hell...the hell is not so much hell. its a purgatory, really. a liminal waiting place where decisions either dont come quickly enough or they just come forced upon.
finally, though, my parents have had it out, it seems for the last time, and are throwing in the towel, or however the phrase goes. its looks like a twenty-one year marriage and a twenty-six year relationship mite finally comes to a california-rolling stop.
.thank.god.
for years ive asked to move out with someone, since about freshman year of high school. finally i got to when i left for college, but it just wasnt far enough.
i did it, i actually did it when i got to italy, but comin back to the states left me more depressed than ever. the realization that there is, in fact, a life to be lived state-side. one that i dont want to be in.
so my upset days and weeks in new york, that really were just atlanta transposed into the northeast, have brought my parents' focus to my well-being, after ive learned to grow with the pain and work with it in other ways.
thanks for picking up about six years too late. thanks for modifying my life.
it has pulled me into a summer of atlanta, opposite of where i want and need to be. it has opened the doors, though, to places i dont wish to travel, to schools and decisions that i want no part of for the next few years, but it isnt really my decision, is it? no, the check-writer tells me where im happyst.
while i may have won over my mom with my emotional testimony of gallatins unique values and puzzle-like fit into my life, my guideline-driven father cannot allow a bending-boundary institution, force, to become my environment.
it is, in fact, rules that govern us, did you know? and that we really dont have much more than a box in which to think.

fuck the box. let me make a mandelbrot of my life.

illegitimus non carborundum est

im in florida rite now

tomorrow im goin to baton rouge to visit molly and maybe ill see aline

then im goin back to destin

then im going back to atlanta

then im going to orlando

then im going back to atlanta

and i will be meeting alexandra in the airport

and she will spend a few days in atlanta with me

this will all be done by the fourteenth

im tan

thats fun

i miss new york

thats not

ive got some good buddys here though, my really only real like guy buddys

it makes me feel like such a loser to say something like that, like i shouldnt even have to state it. im glad they dont really know that i like seek out the time i can get from them and love chillin out and drinkin beer and looking at gurls and just being in the sun. they are what life is about.

now im gunna go have oysters with them.

illegitimus non carborundum est

i know rite? it is kinda well really tough. we ended up talking more. im better about her visitng because the fact of the matter is that i do miss her as a person and good times and stuff. so i want to see her, i just dont want to feel the aftereffects ya know? thats what it is. i talked to her about the other stuff that would get me back into the feelings if you know what i mean, and she kinda agreed and we will play it as is. ill figure it out. ive been a lot better lately about being upfront and honest about precarious positions. but i could still be more upfront i spose. alexandra doesnt know about jaclyn, but i dunno. its not that she has to, but im sure shed feel a little meh about it. thats the thing; im not trying to protect myself in this. i just dont want her to hurt. i dont want anyone to hurt.

illegitimus non carborundum est

mixology

alexandra wants to come on the fourteenth. i bailed once on her about her coming here. i cant bail again. however, with jaclyn in the picture, i cant do this to myself again. i cant find a former lover, i cant find someone that i can feel that i can hold, with emotion or not, when i am in the midst of building and sustaining something so good. even if i want to have a week with alexandra, no holds barred, i cant do it to myself this time. i cant do it to jaclyn. shed never know. but i dont want there to be something that she doesnt know. she is completely ok with alexandra visiting me, shes not concerned. because she isnt concerned i cant have anything happen with alexandra. i cant have alexandra come.
alexandra is about to call me back. i was just talking to her, explaining that i dont think that we should try to be physical when she comes because i dont want to fall back into something that we had before. i dont want to feel that love again. it hurts way too fucking much. i cant reconnect. i cant tear it open because i dont want to sew it shut again. ive detached, and so has she. she explained that. she doesnt feel connected to me. good. fuck. no. good.she is questioning the point in her coming here too. she realizes that she wants to come mainly because she wants to see me, but we both know that its a vindication thing. she wants to know that she had and has the power over me to get me to buckle and have her arive. she isnt trying to win me back, and she wouldnt be able to. i still need to think more about this. she hasnt called back yet. she said five minutes. its been about fifteen. oh well.

illegitimus non carborundum est

ive been waiting

ive been waiting for this moment all nite long



silversun pickups. i cant stop.

illegitimus non carborundum est

two for this week

because its a special week



illegitimus non carborundum est

this atlanta thing isnt working out.
and in the worst kind of way.

i think im gunna stick it out until i have enough money for a plane ticket and a few weeks rent somewhere cheap.
i think im gunna talk to financial aid about how i can pay for school myself.

i think i need to be twenty years old and do things for myself.


jaclyn's was great.
were great. were in intense.
i like it.
the song before, the it hurts, was sort of in reference to alexandra but also just stuff i had been listening to.
she is forcing her way into seeing me in atlanta and i am allowing her to do so.
but now shes being condescending and not fun again.
i dont want her to come again.
but i cant do that.
shell hate me.
i cant have that.
i dont know why but i cant.
i told her i wouldnt.

im terrible.
but im not.
what am i doing?

i cant be here anymore.

this weeks postsecrets are amazing.

illegitimus non carborundum est

schedule

friday
0642 wake up
0730 arrive at budget
0800 start driving budget truck
1200 stop driving budget truck
1230 arrive at apartment
1312 get to bus station
1400 be in new jersey?
1412 be at jaclyns?
should i stay or should i go?

saturday
pack
1200 orientation in the park
1300 leave the park
pack

sunday
0402 wake up
0500 arrive in park
1000 aids walk starts
1230 aids walk ends?
1300 give tour to brothers friend
1500 go to bus station
1600 get to new jersey
1612 get to jaclyns
scrabbbbbble

mk.

illegitimus non carborundum est

the littlest things...

the song 155 by +44 that I keep on repeat

ornate lamp posts around the city

being needed at the AIDS Walk more than I imagined

28 weeks later with my brother when i get home

knowing alexis will be home

being able to sleep next to someone (which unfortunately isnt happening)

breakfast

...are what make you happy.

illegitimus non carborundum est

da

its true, i am not registered for next semester. im trying to figure out exactly what it is i should be doing. im sure of what im doing, but my parents want me to look harder at other programs. however, i wont only be looking at public health stuff. im actually looking at photography programs at different schools, but one of them is in new york, so well see.

jaclyn leaves tomorrow to get her tonsils out on wednesday and then i leave on the 22nd. so i mite see here, after tomorrow, one or two more times. but i guess thats life. i dont like it though.

alexandra has professed her hate for me. i dont know what happened. i consciously didnt call her about visiting because i was beginning to mix too many worlds. but then we talked, she cried a little, we figured things out, and left it lovingly, understanding each others positions. we then decided that her visiting atlanta would be a good plan, but i dont know what happened. in the last week she hasnt contacted me at all except for once and it was in respose to a question. i still only got a word out of her. when we left it all and had everything splyed on the table, she seemed fine. we seemed ok. we were ok. what to do?! i dont know. but it pretty much confirms my faith is my inability to hold someone meaningful for long enough. i think that i have to stop it all this summer.

am i really ready for the lonliest summer? i didnt like the lonely semester, but i spose i handled it. i survived it.

lets find out.

youll fall asleep with the windows open, come to me with the worst youve said and done, youll cross youre eyes and see that lifes much more meaningful, i stand no chance at all.

illegitimus non carborundum est

no. not THE gurl.
A gurl.
shes in gallatin, does film, wins awards for them, really up and into humanist things so there are good discussions on human rights and stuff, and ya. pretty much all-around fun.
i finished everything two fridays ago. now im doin my internship and some volunteering.
i dont know what im doin about next semester. im not registered for classes. while i want to come back, i want to look around, and so do my parents, but im so confused about it all!!! grrr...
i just ate yogurt and a banana and am drinkin a naked tropical c, one of eight nakeds i bought, along with a pound of gummy sour worms, three things of yogurt, a box of chocolate poptarts (for brett), a bag of doritos (also brett), and two pints of haagen daz (for me). i ate the whole caramel cone one last nite and got into the mayan chocolate, but jaclyn's chocolate chip cookie distracted me.
ive been watching a lot of documentarys lately. jaclyn was showing me them. i used to always watch movies like that, then i stopped, now im back.
i developed two random rolls yesterday. i have four more to do for fun. maybe today.
i talked with my mom yesterday. im goin to orlando with my brother for a few days when i get back, but you have to be twentyone to register for a hotel and my dad was like, shit what do we do? and my mom goes, oh dont worry, bretts got a fake id...my do comes back with, well, problem solved.
seriously dad? but dyed hair isnt ok?
i dunno.
on dyed hair...i have a random blonde streak. i like it.
i need to write more postsecrets. i didnt really like the ones from this week that got put up.
i had two photos published in wsn. that makes me happy.
so i should head out to my internship.
i dont want to. im bored of it. no, i kinda just dont have amazing chemistry with my boss. its not bad at all, she isnt that is. but theres just nothing there. she doesnt make me want to do anything. whatever. what happens happens. im off.


illegitimus non carborundum est

a gurl

thats why

illegitimus non carborundum est

so i put up really long post the other day and i dont know what happened to it, like why it is not here. im not happy about that.
but im happy rite now.

illegitimus non carborundum est

illegitimus non carborundum est