black and white negatives and positives

illegitimus non carborundum est

fuck

besides being the best word in general, fuck is the best word to describe my life.
at least for rite now.

ive fucked up things with alexandra.
i am a bit too fucking behind on my foto assignments.
my hair is a bit too fucking big.
i bought a sweet fucking tshirt.
fuck ya im seein brite eyes on friday nite.
i have fucked thing up with alexandra.

after getting off the phone the first time, when we decided to be 'all' from 'all or nothing' i felt like something was wrong. immediately knowing not to go into it, i did. though with about five hours of debate.
the post on fucking facebook, the goddamn bane of my existence, obviously pissed off bailey. im getting to the point there where i kinda want to say screw that. i dont want to. but its getting there.
then this past weekend, alexandra and i talked and i asked for us to step back from the 'all,' which she agreed to and with, as she had noticed the weirdness that had ensued since the week before.
but then i decided to go farther.
i asked for us to move back even more significantly. like back to where my stance was when i left italy. i want to put relations with bailey on at least an amicable level. whether or not anything goes from there, well see. im not counting on it. i dont know if im hoping for it.
all of this i addressed to alexandra and she seemed, more than anything, genuinely happy that i had been honest.
truth, it seems, is the primary concern for her.
truth, it seems, is the primary problem for me.
at least to her.
so now im on the fone with her. finally.
but the last few days have been her not being happy to talk to me, which is warranted, but i still wanna talk to her. whenever i can.
i think i still mite want to be with her. put everything aside and be with her.
i think so.

illegitimus non carborundum est

i am letting the telephone ring
cause i don't want to know why
i don't want to hear you explain
i don't want to hear you cry
i have written so much about you
so much i thought i knew
words like water used to flow
now what could i possibly have to say?
she is someone i don't even know
and all the things that you've given to me
i see now were simply reparations
they were gifts of your guilt
they were my preparation
i know i should be mature
keep my feet on the floor
but for some reason,
i just don't want them anymore
i know this shouldn't be important
compared to you and i
but i can still hear my questions
and i can still hear you
i can still hear you
lie
now vicariously i have her in me
i want to peel off my skin
let the water wash in
you always said that i was hiding
that i was hiding from you
but you are capable of things i could not do
you are capable of things i could not do
i remember how you pretended
how you pretended to touch me
i remember how i couldn't bring myself to believe
i remember wondering,
what was wrong
what was wrong
how could i be so naive
how could i be so naive?

illegitimus non carborundum est

at 72 youre legally insane

its 1238am on friday.
the last time i was asleep was at 65959 am on tuesday.
thats 65 hours 38 mins and some seconds

illegitimus non carborundum est

because i can see in the dark

long photoshoot with brett and jacqui yesterday.
it was for a cute nice gurl so it was ok.
then to uptown and a walk through harlem to get to columbia to meet up with emily.
caffe swish.
architecture studios.
then to open bar with brett.
whoa.
a gurl came up to me and told me that she loved my hair.
i thought that was funny.
we ended up talking about stuff and shes into the same education reform stuff i am and is from texas. it was cool. kinda hilarious that we were drinking at the bar and then talking education policy. love it.
i was there for a "friend's" birthday and we ended up getting bottle service there. absolut. i hate absolut. it always makes me sick. it made me sick last nite too. then we went to le souk for hookah and yet another bottle service but this time grey goose. the good thing was the whole time, i paid for me and one person for taxi and a subway ride. so nice.
i ate twizzlers and animal crackers when i got home.
i woke up with a headache. that was the first time drinking had ever done that to me. the closest ive ever been to a hangover.
now papers.
and discussions.


illegitimus non carborundum est

.luce. by adamek

illegitimus non carborundum est

its like menthols
burn faster
than my the speed of my feet
its like the sun rises quicker than
i can compete
its like
you arent here
to make me complete
its like
all that i want
is a symbiotic heart beat


illegitimus non carborundum est

sleep?

illegitimus non carborundum est

flying away

so miss alexis is leaving me today.
ill miss her.
she called me.
youre the best alexis.
have the best time.
im waiting for amazing photos and skypeness.
ciao per adesso, la mia amica.

vagina monologues tonite...amazing.
bay pretty much rocked it.
and it was hilarious and so disturbing all at the same time.
from rape stories to orgasms on stage. such a mix.
however, the political insertion at the end i didnt like, about war and stuff. it tied up at the end of the little speech, but it gave the end of the show a weird feel. i wish it were different. but they did do some good stuff to recognize women who had been victims of earlier sexual offenses which i thought was very well done and well received. overall, id see it again. which is why im spending my valentines nite to see it.

happy valentines day. or happy vd.day as some of us say. really, im not against it. i think i tried to convince myself once that i was. i mean its commercial, ya, but i think that people are just cynical and "against" it to move against the mainstream. i have no problems with it. you only reinforce your own singularity. the holiday doesnt. i dunno. i dont like cynicism that isnt pragmatic. whatever.

im gunna keep researching.
someone get laid for me.
since it is valentines and all.

illegitimus non carborundum est

you called

it was intense.
i got a little scared.

there are new dots on the radar
they are flying past
and blinking low
but yours is holding in one spot
it keeps a steady glow

illegitimus non carborundum est

adorable

the ricasoli reunion reminded me
that im too in love with a place
much too far away
and that crying may in fact
be right.
how do you justify a
love that cant connect
or the waging
war of hearts
where even
eros winds up dead?
in a town thats older than
most ancient states of people
i found a safety net
that has so many holes because
it has been over used.
can the soul be so tired of searching?
can the mind be so full of phonetic thoughts?
what cant come in
is trapped from the inside
by the fleeting not of gods.
im reminded that
i cared
for even those that really
knew me not
and that they cared for the one
who wouldnt give the time.
let me
oh fucking muse of lite of mite
let me know how im supposed
to love and to labor
over easy tests of life.
it doesnt matter anymore
but it will in such due time.
those feelings dont ever make their way home
to wear i built a landscape just for them
they dont get buried in their coffins
made just the rite size.
i spose now that the boxes were just too small
for my standards keep me from allowing
exactly what i want.
its what i want
not
what you need
never is
never was
truth in any way.
i want for you
for home to be
exactly where i travel
exactly where i live
exactly inside of you.
what commenced herein
as a lyric of just recently passed memories
of tanglibles and friendships
turned to toasts of you.
i wont forget
because this will get easier for us.
i took the time
but wouldnt give it out
and now i know that i lived
more than anyone else've thought.
vorrei
a te
tornare.


illegitimus non carborundum est

after the long drags of a cigarette or two

i found out that im still in love with you

illegitimus non carborundum est

maybe its worth the hours
maybe skipping the parties
maybe even the fites

illegitimus non carborundum est

still the weekend?

well i dont know because i never fell asleep

i got the new drop dead, gorgeous album
and a tshirt.
it came with extra stickers.
sweet.

illegitimus non carborundum est

worst weekend ever

but now its monday
things should be looking up


illegitimus non carborundum est

and i love how hurting so much makes it all feel so ok

illegitimus non carborundum est

puma

and im not having a good nite
and im ok
but i dont like being alone
alone is the same as lonely now
and i downloaded bob sinclair
and i love it
and its reminding me too much of florence
and the pictures
and everything.
and a favorite part of florence for me is gone.
the jacket that i got for my birthday was stolen.
just taken from my seat at this bar.
and i want to fall apart, because stupidly enough that jacket meant the world to me.
you and i.
we went there.
we picked those out.
we couldnt afford them.
and i got it.
my best friend in florence got it for me.
and i got to carry around florence on my shoulders everyday.
and i got to think of something from florence everyday when i put it on.
and its gone.
it was iconic.
i cant believe im actually about to cry over a jacket.
i didnt bring anything to new york from florence.
except that jacket and your bracelet.
maybe its just an avenue.
maybe i just needed that jacket taken so that i can just cry.
but i wont cry.
ill save the salty drops for something else.
youre supposed to be here. and youre not. and i cant blame anything for it. and i hate that. no i dont want to blame, but i need there to be a reason why. and there isnt. its just how it is.
im ok.
thank you for talking tonite.
mi piace.
non un po', ma...
molto.
buona notte.

illegitimus non carborundum est

scribbling on bathroom walls

i had practice tonite. im outta shape. i went to the bathroom twice and just puked everything out. i loved it.
i interviewed with the chef of mas [farmhouse] today and he is giving me a part time position. that lasy still hasnt called back from the new york aids coalition. im trying to work for them for free and they wont get an interview with me.
i got the fabri fibra album. i love italian music. the only rap ill listen too.
so i dont read, rite? like i hate reading, but ive been doin so much for my classes. this is the most reading ive ever had. and im doin probably 85% of it. the rest of the time is still generally for work, but some other whatever involved. clearly.

so today for my international ngo class we had to take these fifty values, like moral type of things, make ten high on our list, at least five low, and anything else medium. then we had to do this scoring thing, see if any of the highs changed. then write down our top five values, the things we consider most important to us, like creativity, integrity, family, religion, that kinda stuff, one per note card. five note cards. then the prof came around and said now, which one do you want to get rid of. so we had to choose from the five hiest values in our lives which one we would toss. so she grabbed one card from each person. then she stands at the front and reads the cards saying "this person is throwing away their loyalty. this person is throwing away love and affection." we listened to about thirty of these and watched her throw away each card after she said it. she did this for the top four, coming to the last two saying, "now you can keep one. which will it be?" then she read out what we were all keeping, but we had to make a copy of what value we were keeping, so that we could hold on to it. you dont want to leave with her having thrown away every value. it was really really intense. i didnt think id care that much. but at the end i was really upset. no personal relationships, as in nothing having to do with another person even made it into my top ten. that was one of the most emotionally draining experiences of my life. even without all the emotions.



illegitimus non carborundum est