you know what, i think were growing up...


ive been waiting

ive been waiting for this moment all nite long

silversun pickups. i cant stop.

illegitimus non carborundum est


two for this week

because its a special week

illegitimus non carborundum est


this atlanta thing isnt working out.
and in the worst kind of way.

i think im gunna stick it out until i have enough money for a plane ticket and a few weeks rent somewhere cheap.
i think im gunna talk to financial aid about how i can pay for school myself.

i think i need to be twenty years old and do things for myself.

jaclyn's was great.
were great. were in intense.
i like it.
the song before, the it hurts, was sort of in reference to alexandra but also just stuff i had been listening to.
she is forcing her way into seeing me in atlanta and i am allowing her to do so.
but now shes being condescending and not fun again.
i dont want her to come again.
but i cant do that.
shell hate me.
i cant have that.
i dont know why but i cant.
i told her i wouldnt.

im terrible.
but im not.
what am i doing?

i cant be here anymore.

this weeks postsecrets are amazing.

illegitimus non carborundum est



0642 wake up
0730 arrive at budget
0800 start driving budget truck
1200 stop driving budget truck
1230 arrive at apartment
1312 get to bus station
1400 be in new jersey?
1412 be at jaclyns?
should i stay or should i go?

1200 orientation in the park
1300 leave the park

0402 wake up
0500 arrive in park
1000 aids walk starts
1230 aids walk ends?
1300 give tour to brothers friend
1500 go to bus station
1600 get to new jersey
1612 get to jaclyns


illegitimus non carborundum est

the littlest things...

the song 155 by +44 that I keep on repeat

ornate lamp posts around the city

being needed at the AIDS Walk more than I imagined

28 weeks later with my brother when i get home

knowing alexis will be home

being able to sleep next to someone (which unfortunately isnt happening)


...are what make you happy.

illegitimus non carborundum est



its true, i am not registered for next semester. im trying to figure out exactly what it is i should be doing. im sure of what im doing, but my parents want me to look harder at other programs. however, i wont only be looking at public health stuff. im actually looking at photography programs at different schools, but one of them is in new york, so well see.

jaclyn leaves tomorrow to get her tonsils out on wednesday and then i leave on the 22nd. so i mite see here, after tomorrow, one or two more times. but i guess thats life. i dont like it though.

alexandra has professed her hate for me. i dont know what happened. i consciously didnt call her about visiting because i was beginning to mix too many worlds. but then we talked, she cried a little, we figured things out, and left it lovingly, understanding each others positions. we then decided that her visiting atlanta would be a good plan, but i dont know what happened. in the last week she hasnt contacted me at all except for once and it was in respose to a question. i still only got a word out of her. when we left it all and had everything splyed on the table, she seemed fine. we seemed ok. we were ok. what to do?! i dont know. but it pretty much confirms my faith is my inability to hold someone meaningful for long enough. i think that i have to stop it all this summer.

am i really ready for the lonliest summer? i didnt like the lonely semester, but i spose i handled it. i survived it.

lets find out.

youll fall asleep with the windows open, come to me with the worst youve said and done, youll cross youre eyes and see that lifes much more meaningful, i stand no chance at all.

illegitimus non carborundum est


no. not THE gurl.
A gurl.
shes in gallatin, does film, wins awards for them, really up and into humanist things so there are good discussions on human rights and stuff, and ya. pretty much all-around fun.
i finished everything two fridays ago. now im doin my internship and some volunteering.
i dont know what im doin about next semester. im not registered for classes. while i want to come back, i want to look around, and so do my parents, but im so confused about it all!!! grrr...
i just ate yogurt and a banana and am drinkin a naked tropical c, one of eight nakeds i bought, along with a pound of gummy sour worms, three things of yogurt, a box of chocolate poptarts (for brett), a bag of doritos (also brett), and two pints of haagen daz (for me). i ate the whole caramel cone one last nite and got into the mayan chocolate, but jaclyn's chocolate chip cookie distracted me.
ive been watching a lot of documentarys lately. jaclyn was showing me them. i used to always watch movies like that, then i stopped, now im back.
i developed two random rolls yesterday. i have four more to do for fun. maybe today.
i talked with my mom yesterday. im goin to orlando with my brother for a few days when i get back, but you have to be twentyone to register for a hotel and my dad was like, shit what do we do? and my mom goes, oh dont worry, bretts got a fake do comes back with, well, problem solved.
seriously dad? but dyed hair isnt ok?
i dunno.
on dyed hair...i have a random blonde streak. i like it.
i need to write more postsecrets. i didnt really like the ones from this week that got put up.
i had two photos published in wsn. that makes me happy.
so i should head out to my internship.
i dont want to. im bored of it. no, i kinda just dont have amazing chemistry with my boss. its not bad at all, she isnt that is. but theres just nothing there. she doesnt make me want to do anything. whatever. what happens happens. im off.

illegitimus non carborundum est


a gurl

thats why

illegitimus non carborundum est


so i put up really long post the other day and i dont know what happened to it, like why it is not here. im not happy about that.
but im happy rite now.

illegitimus non carborundum est