you know what, i think were growing up...


office space

alexandra is gone.
i miss her. its weird. i wanted so badly for her not to come.
the first half was meh, we fought, we hated, we hugged.
the second half could not have gone better. we were able to be brutally honest about why we think each one of us cant handle the other. it was so fulfilling. then we got down to our bare emotions and psychologys and were able to be what we never had been before for each other. it was really great.
now i miss her.
she doesnt really want me to call about mondane stuff, just emotional stuff, like if shit really hits the fan for me. she wants some time, some space. im ok with that. but its good to know that we are good.

jaclyn is working a ton and we get some moments to talk and every word is great. weve been back and forth about defining ourselves and weve realized that we love what we are in and we love not having to be societys bitches. we know what we are and what we mean to each other rite now, so why modify it?

im peeling continents.

this is my hundredth post.

thanks for your help on nascar...

illegitimus non carborundum est



dad left
hes in his new apartment

alexandra left
on a great note
we did very well
we are very well
team FaST is back to normal
back to well

jaclyn is amazing

lizys boyfriend in coming in this morning and im excited to meet him

alexis saw a guy that looks just like me

i watched beyond border and it was great

i think im doing ok

the photographer stuff is taking a while to work out and im not liking that

i need to make cards and start sending my postsecrets back in

im figurin things out


illegitimus non carborundum est


illegitimus non carborundum est

farewell florida

i have spent the last two weeks in florida, the first in destin and the most recent in orlando, with mark. weve taken orlando and done everything we can with it. weve ridden the hulk about twelve times, the dr doom a ton, i ate way too fucking much, ive burned down a few cigars while on the phone, i spent too many quarters on nostalgic video games, ive eaten fish, ive talked to every ex and even a gurl too far away to handle who i just cant get close enough too. ive even spoken with friends from far away lands and those who have returned. all in all, its been a pretty damn good past few weeks. i road tripped to destin, then i drove to baton rouge, then back, then back, then flew to orlando. ive met rockers, hottys, white trash, readjusted things with my brother, and gone through a little family hell.

now i have alexandra waiting in atlanta. what am i supposed to do with that? i dont want this emotiona rollercoaster. ive been on real ones already. i wont be feeling feelings of love, i wont be wanting another try. she will, however, pssively manipulate her way into my pants which i want no part of. i dont want any opportunity and i dont want her. i care for her on an unbelievable extent, but i want nothing reminiscent of what we were, of what we loved. i take back what i said about her passively manipulating her way into my pants. she wont bother. ive laid it out that i wont take part and i will continue to do so.

regarding family hell...the hell is not so much hell. its a purgatory, really. a liminal waiting place where decisions either dont come quickly enough or they just come forced upon.
finally, though, my parents have had it out, it seems for the last time, and are throwing in the towel, or however the phrase goes. its looks like a twenty-one year marriage and a twenty-six year relationship mite finally comes to a california-rolling stop.
for years ive asked to move out with someone, since about freshman year of high school. finally i got to when i left for college, but it just wasnt far enough.
i did it, i actually did it when i got to italy, but comin back to the states left me more depressed than ever. the realization that there is, in fact, a life to be lived state-side. one that i dont want to be in.
so my upset days and weeks in new york, that really were just atlanta transposed into the northeast, have brought my parents' focus to my well-being, after ive learned to grow with the pain and work with it in other ways.
thanks for picking up about six years too late. thanks for modifying my life.
it has pulled me into a summer of atlanta, opposite of where i want and need to be. it has opened the doors, though, to places i dont wish to travel, to schools and decisions that i want no part of for the next few years, but it isnt really my decision, is it? no, the check-writer tells me where im happyst.
while i may have won over my mom with my emotional testimony of gallatins unique values and puzzle-like fit into my life, my guideline-driven father cannot allow a bending-boundary institution, force, to become my environment.
it is, in fact, rules that govern us, did you know? and that we really dont have much more than a box in which to think.

fuck the box. let me make a mandelbrot of my life.

illegitimus non carborundum est


im in florida rite now

tomorrow im goin to baton rouge to visit molly and maybe ill see aline

then im goin back to destin

then im going back to atlanta

then im going to orlando

then im going back to atlanta

and i will be meeting alexandra in the airport

and she will spend a few days in atlanta with me

this will all be done by the fourteenth

im tan

thats fun

i miss new york

thats not

ive got some good buddys here though, my really only real like guy buddys

it makes me feel like such a loser to say something like that, like i shouldnt even have to state it. im glad they dont really know that i like seek out the time i can get from them and love chillin out and drinkin beer and looking at gurls and just being in the sun. they are what life is about.

now im gunna go have oysters with them.

illegitimus non carborundum est


i know rite? it is kinda well really tough. we ended up talking more. im better about her visitng because the fact of the matter is that i do miss her as a person and good times and stuff. so i want to see her, i just dont want to feel the aftereffects ya know? thats what it is. i talked to her about the other stuff that would get me back into the feelings if you know what i mean, and she kinda agreed and we will play it as is. ill figure it out. ive been a lot better lately about being upfront and honest about precarious positions. but i could still be more upfront i spose. alexandra doesnt know about jaclyn, but i dunno. its not that she has to, but im sure shed feel a little meh about it. thats the thing; im not trying to protect myself in this. i just dont want her to hurt. i dont want anyone to hurt.

illegitimus non carborundum est


alexandra wants to come on the fourteenth. i bailed once on her about her coming here. i cant bail again. however, with jaclyn in the picture, i cant do this to myself again. i cant find a former lover, i cant find someone that i can feel that i can hold, with emotion or not, when i am in the midst of building and sustaining something so good. even if i want to have a week with alexandra, no holds barred, i cant do it to myself this time. i cant do it to jaclyn. shed never know. but i dont want there to be something that she doesnt know. she is completely ok with alexandra visiting me, shes not concerned. because she isnt concerned i cant have anything happen with alexandra. i cant have alexandra come.
alexandra is about to call me back. i was just talking to her, explaining that i dont think that we should try to be physical when she comes because i dont want to fall back into something that we had before. i dont want to feel that love again. it hurts way too fucking much. i cant reconnect. i cant tear it open because i dont want to sew it shut again. ive detached, and so has she. she explained that. she doesnt feel connected to me. good. fuck. no. good.she is questioning the point in her coming here too. she realizes that she wants to come mainly because she wants to see me, but we both know that its a vindication thing. she wants to know that she had and has the power over me to get me to buckle and have her arive. she isnt trying to win me back, and she wouldnt be able to. i still need to think more about this. she hasnt called back yet. she said five minutes. its been about fifteen. oh well.

illegitimus non carborundum est