you know what, i think were growing up...


illuminate the no's

today i had a conversation with my mom about religion

i said i dont believe that hell exists. i dont believe the fallen angel thing. why would god allow it?

my mom said that she thinks she lived before. and this is her hell.

you know you bleed a little when your heart breaks

time runs out under the worst circumstances.
why cant we pocket our idle moments
and use them when we need?

long conversations that last too little but cross long distances but get us nowhere just as we start to progress.

blowing away my thoughts with smoke
though i cant get rid of the feelings
i want to catch every breath that you take away from me
but i can let them go willingly if i like
i cant pull
force or
coerce my emotions
but you can
you can to mine

so now i deal with someone elses problems
because its too hard to deal with my own
i hate my own

i wasnt about to make you an obligation
you never were never are
i love the way we are
how we were.
find me?


dont ever think that i dont care
dont ever tell me that i dont care
because one day
you mite just make it
so that
i dont


building in atlanta from the parkdesaturate me
35mm fun


stop being so goddamn convinced that you know exactly how im feeling.

and you, just fucking talk to me! its too hard being hated by someone who hates without knowing.


its a hard thing to be hated by someone you love.
someone because of whom you are hard and scarred.
someone for whom you thought and you think you would still give up so much for.
someone who hates you for something they asked of you.
someone who doesnt understand you.
its a hard thing to love someone who hates you.
its a hard thing when you think they may still love you too.


finally picked up that picture frame and put my prints in it. the framers did an amazing job at the mat board. so good.
i also bought a framed pastel of balsamico and olio. it was marked at 29,99 and somehow some scandalous sale price got it to me for 8,03.
unexpected sales on items youd really like to have but dont need, oh simplicity.
today was mollys last day here.
ill miss her.
we had a good time.
its hard to sum anything up for us.
so i wont.
nothing ot sum up. our adventure lives on.

i saw an indi film called placebo tonite. a dark comedy. a little funny. not a very good movie though. but the writer/director was the brother of a friend, so it was a good time nonetheless.

i had fish enchiladas. didnt sit well.

i saw some old ultimate buddys. that was cool. i miss ultimate. kmon new york.

i was thrown into a whirlwind that both shattered and built up glass walls around me. i got a text from someone i cant live without that sent me very disturbing vibes. thankfully it wasnt to the extent for which ive been called upon before. its a delicate matter when someone calls you with pills or razors in hand. its something that i never want to be contacted about but am so glad that i am called about. those are hard times. dont ever put yourself though them.

i think im gunna do some real writing tonite. ive missed my journal. so here i come.

goodnite world. i will see you tomorrow morning.

happy birthday mom. love you. cant wait for new york with you.




so christmas eve had a really intense conversation. finding out that i dont put myself into situations without time limits. i think it keeps me safe. apparently it disappoints some people.

i hate disappointment.

today was another intense conversation. i am acting not differently than expected, but differently than expressed. my intentions were and are not how my actions and words seem to display. not even seem. are. i dont think i can hold on. i dont want to disappoint. but i want to hold on. but i dont want to disappoint.

im waiting for nowhere.

its hard, these conversations, held at the same time but still hours apart. held on the same interface only thousands of miles away.

printers with enough ink.
oh simplicity.

im gunna go take some pictures.

i really like this picture. go duane michals, go.

jesus' birthday

so i kinda tested how itd go and not once did i hear god or jesus mentioned all day, not even by my southern baptist grandmother.

in other news, i saw the good shepherd and i highly recommend it. basically amazing. basically gotta see it twice. basically three hours long.

im transferring, as i type, about thirty gigs of music to a new hard drive. its taking a while.

i went to molly's grandmother's for a get together where the gay cousin from alaska, who is amazing, who also went to nyu, atlantic, did a ventriliquist act with a puppet doctor. me maggie molly kelley hit up some karaoke. my favorite was so yesterday by that gurl who was lizzy maguire. i cant remember her name. i ate cold baked ziti and some really good roast beef. i also had some red velvet cake and a chocolate chip cookie or two.

i realized that i want to stay hard to a lot of things. i dont want to care. gurls need to be on the sidelines and my primary objective should be school. everyone always says this. so do their parents. rarely does it happen. why can we not hold the fleeting feeling for a moment longer so that we can remember how we felt when we felt it the first time? the next morning you have forgotten the feeling of the feeling but not the feeling itself. like kissing the one you can be with for a while. it gives you this life this veracity this drive to be something to change to be and become what you want at that moment. but after that it is but a feeling. a memory of a feeling. how dont you let go? how dont i let go when letting go is what im supposed to do?

matchbooks, oh simplicity

im wearing a shirt that smells like someone i want to remember. i want to remember the feeling of her bed her touch her sex her voice her mind.
this come rite after i said that gurls need not be central.
see what i mean about feelings?
no matter though, i have nothing else to focus on.

this is keeping me from writing in my journal as much. what will happen there? i need to find that pen i liked. oh ya, i left it in the car.

finding a good pen, oh simplicity.


apparently i attract a label
buon natale
felicitari cracium
merry christmas

i dont know
very different feeling than ive had about this season before

full of an empty striding or something
wanting to move around call certain people
certain someones who now mean nothing

so you know what it is to cry?
no not much
not much from my eyes
do i know what its like to make someone cry?
yes and no
never with intention
never about me
about the idea of me?
maybe but to think so would be to much about myself

cars with good mileage, oh simplicity

nothing wrong with not being cut out or not wanting to be cut out to fill someones heart or to have one fill my own
i dont like that someone wants to change my mind and tell me no thats not how its supposed to be
i dont like to be told that ill know 'it' when im completely loved by someone that there is constancy and an unbearable lightness of being around me pressing in so that my insides explode with the feelings of returning that love
im just afraid to disappoint
but in trying to keep myself detached so many become attached and i am my own demise my own catch22
i have to stop complaining
my dad mite call me emo again
and again
and maybe again
my mom mite ask me if i am
my dad mite say yeah everyone calls him that
maybe emos dead guys
maybe i just dont cry like you
maybe roses do have thorns so that the desired object has some protection from those trying to touch and change it
where are my thorns?
where the fuck are they?
do i grow them?
must i make them?
well its about damn time they showed up

perhaps one day it will help to remember even these things


oggi prima natale

a late wake up always puts things in motions later than expected
i found that people arent to be relied on much, if even for directions
ive always had the issue of not putting too muchinto people
but i never thought it too much for decent directions, especially when you own the store that a patron is driving too.

th esufficiently awkward eve party at grandmas proved sufficiently awkward.
the whole of the group quasi debated and discussed the mattresses in my parents room and how my mom was the person ask about mattresses but my fathers passive aggressive nature forced him to make others consider otherwise considering he doesnt like the feel of the mattress they sleep on.
probably because all there is is sleep.

then my mom, showing up an hour later, decided to talk about the new guy my grandmother may or may not be seeing after the death of her husband for 52 years in front of my dad who hadnt spoken to his mother in about a month due to the before mentioned situation.
ask grandma where she gets her mattresses because shes probably getting better use of them.

i had a terrible debate regarding greenday of all bands on the way over and their sellingoutedness of punk. my lip ring was flicked, i was assumed as having no brains because i misinterpreted something and was told, well at least you have yours looks. thats rite, im pretty, so nothing else matters.

i decided it best to hide behind the lens and watch my dad do soduko and molly wrestle my brother. i had a nice chat about judaism and religious studies with my cousin, also mark.

more to come.

have to wrap gifts for this consumers love fest we call, oh christmas. at least that jesus character is all in our thoughts and prayers.

oh simplicity #2

drawing on pants and notebooks
small buttons and button makers

oh simplicity

so last nite was good...ish
today was pretty tite: i woke up early-had some cheese and honey, oh simplicity-and coffee
i went to pickup my new film camera [im a little obsessed]-i downloaded the 109 p manual-and read it
molly called me and we finally met up[i havent seen her in about 4 months]-we ran around the city buying things-and forgetting things-and then got lizy to go with us to get piercings
molly=tragus stud lizy=re-nose stud me=re-lip cbr
i watched youtube for about an hour-i played around with the f4-just listening to clicky sounds, oh simplicity-now this

ive realized i like simple pleasures
the sound of the shutter in a camera with no film
lines of lamp posts at night
good discounts on watches
long scarves
a good hair cut
tight jeans
finding a sharpie with lots of ink left
random text messages, except for depressing lyrics from exs
seeing great tattoos and piercings
drinking hot tea or coffee without burning your mouth
finding a five in your pocket
a good set of boobs
i dunno, other stuff
ill kee this going, i think its kinda important

ciao per adesso


i realized

that ive had this blogspot for a pretty long time
i just had forgotten about it
and was reminded of it from the postsecret blog

are secrets secret[s] if everyone knows about them?


so i really like these
i guess
no one reads them
but theyre nice
rounds out the day

i won a polaroid on ebay
now i have to buy film
i bought another camera today too
im in debt because of it
oh well
maybe itll make me some money to pay it off

i went to see a friend tonite in atlanta
it was good
but always the same with me
let me spill my damn emotions to someone close
sounds like somethings wrong
there probably isnt
but there is
cant i seek understanding and not be labelled?
i just want it to be understood
that not everything is happy gofuckinglucky

i got a call and found out that a new york friend will be in atlanta after new years
amtrak much?

i like foto but im disuaded to talk about it to someone id love to
they had a true love and passion for it
i had been doing it for quite a while then dropped it
then they resparked my interest in it then theirs kinda died
but they kinda own it ya know?
would i feel that way about cooking?
i probably have
maybe i do
but i think i could do something with it
but she doesnt care
its likely another reason she will try to detach further

goddamn distance
goddamn time
i regret none of the travelling
i regret what came of it
i regret spiting a request and
spiting myself

almost worked for half of us
not quite
now i have to try it
but i dont want to
i need to