you know what, i think were growing up...



i wasnt in my bed for three nites but nothing really happened but then i got to my bed last nite, watched borat, which was way too stupid, and then couldnt fall asleep. so brett and i hookahed it, i got chips, salsa and water, and feel asleep.

i seemed to put in more in my birth control class, which is totally a feminism class, than any of the gurls. at least concept-wise. and the only two other guys in the class are gay. i could be the only one in that class that has a thing for gurls. maybe not, but totally likely. but im throwing out these concepts of objectifying women and all this crazy stuff from the crux (by charlotte perkins gilman, props to her) and theres just this sense of like, meh...from other people. lauren, the prof, whos is a cross between natalie portman and angelina, was touting some of my stuff so i was like ok ive got this feminism thing down, but i was blown away that some gurls wouldnt speak up about women and stuff. guhhh.

i ate an icecream cake with bay in like fifteen minutes. like whoa.

i got bright eyes tickets with casey. so pumped. rocket summer and early november the next day. pumped.

foto is stupid so far. lets get some real projects that last longer than a fuckin week.

illegitimus non carborundum est


the sunshine palace

so i interviewed at a photo production company today. last nite i was selected as the subject for this fine art photographer. and i also had my global ambassadors interview today. hopefully they will al work out.
i changed the pin number on my account and i carried bags for this homeless woman to the shelter.
since six ive felt like absolute horse shit and i have no idea why. i think its the medicine wearing off.
im goin with emma rose to a concert. that should be cool. im gunna go get a smoothie. i dont want food.

illegitimus non carborundum est



so mad class rearrangement. this hasnt happened to me before. but this morning i was so undecided about things that i was registered for 22 credits. i randomly went to this digital tools class which i ended up loving. completely dropped topics in healthcare, want to get rid of walter lipmann, need to finish my photo project for this week (which i just spent $400 on at b&h...), have 60 pages of reading for tomorrow, i need a job, i need an internship, i am getting bright eyes tickets on thursday but found out they are only online not at this certain box office and i was so excited to sit out in the cold for with a mate to swap music with, and ya theres just other stuff to do.

i like the go! team.

so brett and i had two shoots on saturday and our alarms didnt go off in the am and we woke up to the sound of our door bell. always good. then the second shoot took about 3 1/2 hours. we both hadnt eaten and were like ughhh so we ate shitty pizza then had jul gloog at hunts. i dont remember what happened after that. except that i helped carry phones and a microwave through the park with a homeless guy so that he could jump on the train back to brooklyn. we talked, well, i said, ya cool, a lot because i had no fucking clue what he said. then the next nite i spoke with another homeless guy for about ten minutes and learned that he used to own a truck, live in PA, painted all the fire escapes in ny basically, drinks two 40's a day, and ya, i think thats about it. oh ya, he dropped outta MIT. good plan.

i was in class for seven straight hours today. 2-9. wow. i hadnt eaten since about 9 am. wow. this seems to be a trend. at least it keeps my girlish figure.

i havent taken the time to edit these at all, but theyre fun for a looksy. these and more are up on my photo site, see left.

illegitimus non carborundum est



thank you

illegitimus non carborundum est


stupid tv

forgot about this. so basically last nite i was at bays watching tv, which is pretty much a once in a week thing for me, maybe, and this chick is maybe the biggest fan ever of american idol and is about to sing. shes all fake gothed out, saying bff and the like, and they judges ask her who her favorite contestant has been and she said Ace. i have no idea who this kid is, and then she says, i even got a tattoo that he designed. im thinking, ok cool, tattoos, love em, but youre still gross. she continues..."everyone says that im intimidating (maybe because your four times their size and really loud and awkward) but i think i wear my heart on my sleeve." all im thinking, especially after catching shit from bay for my tattoo that chelsea and i got, and this chick rolls up her sleeve and has the same fucking thing, only uglier. hers being more cartoonish of a heart but the dot was still fucking there, but inthe corner. im flippin out, because chelsea and i designed ours! fucker! bay cant move because shes laughing too hard, im crying and laughing and ya. thats all. i just hated that.

illegitimus non carborundum est

you get what you get and you get what you deserve

so im better after last nite.
it was actually a good thing to see and be with bay but frustrating nonetheless.
i think i have my only class today when i thought i didnt and then shes got break whatever.
yay jen is back. tea time.
and there is a dog that we now sit on wednesdays. but hes cool in my book and i dont like animals, so ya. good deal. ok. time for....homework?

illegitimus non carborundum est

welcome home

i told my self i wouldnt do it. i said it and knew it and wouldnt. everything was planned out in my mind. i knew it i knew it. i told mysel i wouldnt let myself get too close again.

i guess im a good fuckin liar.

illegitimus non carborundum est


fucking copy shops.
fucking restaurants.
fucking insecurity.

illegitimus non carborundum est
so today was ok.
there were serious ups and no serious downs but some serious seriousness.
after i get called and hung up on after being asked how to roll a joint by a never long lost ex, i continued to watch others chow on some sushi and get way too drunk and then we headed to the belgian beer bar, thank god for good ale.
i miss belgium. its a really great place. plan on visiting? lemme know, i have some good places to go.
i got a tattoo today <.3 with chelsea.
i woke up at two, i dont know why, but ya, it was a late nite and then i edited some pictures. brett and i are havin pretty much the best time with this venture. well see how it goes.
i did it again.
tomorrow i have birth control at 930 and walter lippmann at two. kinda really stoked. kinda really love school. kinda really need a job.
so i went to bbq for some drinks after a little local falafel and i sat dead across the room, a good twenty feet from someone serious. i havent seen bay in five months. i havent gotten to hear her voice in about five weeks. a few late notes later and maybe we can see if we can handle it. can you?
if you let on that you are so tough, are you what you really are or are you what people perceive? or is what you really are what people perceive? its really the same as asking if youre completely alone, can anyone hear you?

Alexis Schuster: see, now THAT is an existential question if i ever heard one
Brett747: welcome to my life
Alexis Schuster: hahaha
Alexis Schuster: i think it's a mix of both, perosnally
Brett747: maybe
Alexis Schuster: i think that at base you are the way you are, but maybe people's perceptions of you help you to be more
Alexis Schuster: or less, depending
Brett747: but if it never gets tested by anyone, then you are what you talk yourself to be, because you are defined by society
Alexis Schuster: hmm
Alexis Schuster: but if you're defined by society, don't you think THAT is a kind of testing? as in, let's see if how you think of yourself lives up to what we think of you
Alexis Schuster: i think LIFE is testing
Brett747: the human self is not a preexisting form but shaped through social interaction
Alexis Schuster: what about hermits?
Brett747: the self imagines, the other judges
Alexis Schuster: the self judges as well though
Brett747: but life doesnt exist
Brett747: life isnt a judge
Alexis Schuster: hmm
Alexis Schuster: maybe
Brett747: and if the self is made to tell others one thing while knowing otherwise, it is trying to exist as that secondary thing, not the primary
Brett747: the self wants to exist as the second
Brett747: escaping from the first
Alexis Schuster: you do realize that it's past midnight
Alexis Schuster: and possibly i may not be able to argue as well as normal
Alexis Schuster: lol
Alexis Schuster: i see your point, though
Brett747: while the self may exist as the primary, it doesnt want to and it appears to all other who are the main judges and the only judges that count that the secondary is the 'true' self
Brett747: and this is aim
Brett747: were ridiculous
Alexis Schuster: yes
Alexis Schuster: but that's what makes us us
Alexis Schuster: yes
Alexis Schuster: but that's what makes us us
Alexis Schuster: okok, i see that, but i think that the other imagines- i tend to find that the times when i'm really frustrated with the way people are acting are when i assumed/imagined because of past experience or because of what i want or something that they are one way, but in realiity, i'm discovering they're not
Brett747: hm
Alexis Schuster: i think it's just a huge circle, personally
Brett747: and you judge and that is a definition of the person
Brett747: most likely
Alexis Schuster: mmm, but is definition the same as perception
Brett747: its understanding
Alexis Schuster: wait wair
Brett747: a common understanding
Alexis Schuster: ooooooooooh
Brett747: the way you perceive is the way in which you understand something
Alexis Schuster: ok, so you're saying that a definition is a common perception
Alexis Schuster: yes?
Brett747: and the way you communicate that understanding is through common definitions
Brett747: meh...they are connected
Alexis Schuster: mm
Brett747: i cant say flat out that they are =
Alexis Schuster: what what about percieving something you can't understand?
Alexis Schuster: no, agreed

welcome to my life

love is what makes this a life.
good thing im hated.

illegitimus non carborundum est


a new day is coming

today i had some crepe madness with an apple compote, dulce de leche, and some almonds. it was pretty good, but a little too much compote rather than apple. but its nice because it is to the rite of my apartment while the shabu shabu sushi restaurant is rite to the left fo my place. great.
i also had some chicken nachos and a great corona with emma rose, who had a creamsicle drink. kinda nice. oh being from arizona helps, at least to waiters. oh emma rose. love the talks.

tomorrow im seeing chelsea!
but tomorrow my mom also leaves. shes done some pretty good stuff for the apartment.

i love being here.

im jealous of the people going abroad and especially to italy...voglio vedere la mia echipa e non posso ma...puttana.

oh ya and ask me about auditing. apparently im the one that knows. or maybe you asked me by accident...i hope so.

two weeks till i see alexis!! ps, read hers. its cool. see to the left of this.

what if i fell to the floor? what would you do? what if im running from you?
bury me.

illegitimus non carborundum est



so my mom really likes cleaning and is doing the apartment. loving that.

gunna see a show tonite maybe. chicago? maybe. avenue q. sure.

pomme frites last nite for dinner. so good.

its kinda cold outside. not so into that but still no snow so im pretty much ok with that.

im thinking about job hunting. that could be fun. who knows. i like this bar/dessert place thats a few blocks away. and then an internship. who knows.

lets find out whats left to do today.

remember not to let the bastards get you down.

illegitimus non carborundum est



new apartment with brett
new piercing
and i got my mom to get a nose piercing

new life

illegitimus non carborundum est


city lites

and im off

ciao per adesson hotlanta

illegitimus non carborundum est


so i was talking to her when

rite now im on the fone.

im leaving tomorrow for new york. thank god. the first few days mite be fun. my mom will be with me. but then its just me and brett. people arent really showing up until like the fourteenth of fifteenth. well, no chelsea will be there on the thirteenth, yes...and ally should be around. but its tara and brett fun time before that. yay. this is all enthusiastic, but im in my bed and cant really tell where the one on my keyboard is so no exclamation points.

im a little burned out.

smokey is next to me. chillin.

im in the middle of ultraviolet. the movie. basically. its bad. whatever.

my fone is being clicky.

i got my canon back from telias today. thats nice. but i dont think ill be brining it up to ny. even as a back up. i kinda need, no, really need, a job in ny. maybe a foto store? maybe not? i need money. whatever. ill try selling my body. i dont think thatll work out too well though. food. i should just go back into the food business.

i just discussed the fact that its creepy to say that you like watching someone sleep when you are next to them. and maybe it is. but its nice. imagining whats happening inside their head.
probably nothing.

its raining.

i ate so much food tonite. steak, gratin, green beans, spanakopita, whiskey shrimp, four iced teas, a giant hot fuckin brownie, icecream. shit. well thats a lot for me. they were big portions.

'im glad im the crazy cancer bitch'-molly

illegitimus non carborundum est


being nash

today i went to my brothers audition for this movie and the casting director asked me to audition for a lead role. the last time i was in a play was in seventh grade when i was three of spades. this one was the reading for the front man in a band. my lines included me telling a gurl to give me head. it was fun. it was weird.
i felt really really bad.
my brother has been working really hard for these auditions and i got more attention than he did.
he did really well, i know. and he was actually really excited for me. but what was it inside? was he really? i think so. i dont know if i could be that way.
what happens next?

i also did it again today. no pain. not being upset. being ok. and being ok led to being exposed in the best sort of way, without being vulnerable. i like how it feels. i like not needing.

i went with my dad to see my grandfather. rather, where hes buried. my dad asked me to take pictures with him by the grave with his motorcycle. my grandad got my dad into motorcycles so it wasnt weird. but i dont take pictures of graves or things, other than monuments, that have to do with the dead. i dont know why. its out of principle i spose. but it was for my dad. i think it was ok. i hadnt been there since the funeral in 2005.

there was also a red tailed hawk in my yard.



emily called
and we are meeting tomorrow.
coulda slept better.
now i have a fucking headache.

oh the parents

so my dad felt bad for not being here for the break really so he brought us to dinner, where i made this killer salad with spinach, chicken, walnuts, dried cranberries, and some bleu cheese and some raszberry vinaigrette, and then we saw dream girls, haha, which is hilarious, because i promoted it in atlanta at the gay pride festival. it was actaully pretty good. im a fan.
emily is supposed to come over to have a talk about something but its gettin wicked late. and im still tipsy.
tonite, after the show, my dad went to the liquor store, and he nevvvver drinks, and bought two things of grey goose, one citron. theyd never had it before two weeks ago when i got them some. now he loves it for lemon drop martinis. so we made this killer mix with some lemon, lemon sugar, gran marnier, and grey goose citron. loooved it. i had a lot a lot. ya. they had a good amount. but like whoa. fun pictures.
so now im being lame.


comfort food

so i had some decaf and it wasnt very hot. weird because they told me they had just brewed it.
the conversation was less than fun though. especially with her storming off.

i bought a chocolate bar today. cote d'or. it has hazelnuts in it and i dont like hazelnuts. but it has to do with my fall break so i bought it and ate some. not bad.

i should sleep. im really hungry though.



today i found seventy-five euros left over.
so i went to american express to exchange it.
i got like ninety something. apparently the exchange rate is down to like $1.249 : e1 which is stupid. i think they ripped me off. they only take five off the top, the rest is the actual rate. of course when im supposed to benefit from the exchange rate, because i sure wasnt in italy with it being 33% more than the $, i get less. but whatever. i got some money.

i went to michaels, fast frame, and pearl to get this rag board. no one has the rite kind.
but there was a kid from the salvation army. and he is going to the turkey bowl or something. so i gave him ten dollars. i should have given him more.

it was senior nite for the wrestlers. i took a lot of pictures.

im editing our fotos. theyre nice.

i miss it. non mi piace.


looking back

so i started this whole thing saying that i was going to leave things like love behind. well that goddamn fucking well didnt work.
now its left behind.
no i wont tell you what you want to hear.
damn rite im afraid.
fuck my happiness, let me try and fucking make someone else be ok.
and its a long time coming mom and dad.
oh dads gunna sleep upstairs? no, you arent gunna half ass this? its not in between?
then get your divorce. ive told you that id support it.
its a long time coming.
oh i lite people up, i make them feel like they are all that matters at that very moment. and then theres a second moment and they mean nothing?
im not willing to compromise myself for this. for you, yes, and i have.
for this, this thing, this, fuck if i know, no i wont.
just bury me
just label me
just 'love' me
just hurt me
just cut me
just marry me
just laugh at me
just cry over me

well now its
just me

im not waking up the same this time
hard and scarred
carried away with all the bullshit of fake emotions
real emotions that i cant seem to get a grip on
i can only seem to grip the scissors and the matches

giving up?
no not giving up.
just not giving in
ive had my taste, more than a taste
ive had a few meals
im full
though so completely empty
but yes im full
rather, i had my share
thats more like it.
i just dont need anymore
yes im afraid of it
ill keep it away.

love hasnt taught me anything.
all the lessons it provided me with
i just seem to fail fail and fail
i suck at this emotions thing.

go fucking label someone else.
fuck hippys with their dreds and granola
fuck preps with their polos and pleats
fuck emo kids with their gauges and tight jeans
fuck stoners with their papers and pipes
fuck nerds with their dungeons and dragons
fuck skaters with their hats and shoes
get out of junior high
angst ridden and unable to love
pinned by society?

maybe the new medicine will help.


you were rite

so yes i will say afterwards that i miss it
and that it was better. maybe the best.

it wasnt anything like i thought it would be. it hasnt been. it wasnt in the end of august either. well i spose i didnt lose anything but time to do nothing.

its strange how, when dedecorating the house, that i felt nothing of the holidays. i wasnt there for the decorating but i was the one pulling it all down. how do you grow with seventee, eighteen, maybe nineteen years of this feeling of family and home and holidays and then...nothing?

the winter has never been a good time. no not true, only for the past six or so.

maybe if i have someone to do it all for it will be good.

ill wait.


heres to the new one

people need love

in the end id rather help and love than the other way around

but it doesnt mean i dont feel the lack of it

no thats not true
i dont feel the lack of it
i can feel your hate

but its a new year.

not that it means anything, but lets be symbolic and idealogical for a moment.
couldnt you be ok with me, at least to see?

i hope so.

lets start with an unbearable liteness of love.

like with this