you know what, i think were growing up...


illegitimus non carborundum est


illegitimus non carborundum est
i just finished 28 days later.
freaky movie.
love it.

volunteering to do AIDS walk stuff.
at the gay mens health center of new york.
hey, i didnt choose it.

katie asked me to prom.
id love to go but la is kinda far.
i still want to go though.

illegitimus non carborundum est


my flite is scheduled two and a half hours behind.

oh well.

maybe ill miss class...whoa...i can handle that. minus the fact ive never skipped before...? but i mean, different circumstances. it would let me finish the paper i have due for the class...ya.

updates soon. worry not.

like anyone reads this.

illegitimus non carborundum est

except for you alexis. love.
rite now im actually on skype with alexis and it pretty much rocks my life.
oh secrets. im loving these.

i havent read postsecret today and its killing me.

im in atlanta for my dads birthday which was saturday and we had a pretty good time, though i ended up getting probably cooler stuff than he did, like this bitchin fone. its this sonywalkman fone and amazing.

we are talking about gurls and boys.
me about gurls.
her about boys.

they both suck.
weve agreed.

we ate at south city kitchen in vinings. the flavors were really strong, but a little too potent. it was nice though. i got a fried oyster salad and a country fried steak that was marinated in coke. so south. so georgia. so atlanta.

orpheus and eurydice.

letting go is harder than letting loose.

you just blew my mind.

i dont know what i should be writing here.

so im gunna go.

lets see though...i want to rite about stuff but i just dont know what to write about. echipa is visiting in may. thats gunna be fun.

ciao for now.

illegitimus non carborundum est


so ive completed my first foto project, which im doing 11x14, save for one picture i havent done yet, and ive decided to maintain the same images for project number two, but ive completely revamped the concept. now i want the images to be super contrasty-so weird for me-with blown-out hilites and maybe silhouetted subjects, i.e. the dancers. well see what happens. ill post them when i finish them. slash, they are gunna be 16x20. so i bought great new paper and a fun portfolio but stupid utrecht made it impossible to figure out what i was buying for what price, which discount i should or shouldnt have gotten...basically a forty-five minute process when i knew what i wanted, which was listed rite on the wall and then the price turned out to be something like ninety-seven dollars, not forty. bleh, so i got a different, unfortunately bigger, one, but it works rite?
i have a shoot tomorrow for my friend michael who is working on a 'writing new york' final but wants images, so ya. and i did a shoot today with brett. so good. images soon. and i was in a shoot yesterday, whoa, which was very cute and fun. but cold.
its not supposed to be cold in april. so over this wet thing.
mk. research time maybe?
ya, i spose so.
im going home for the weekend-sweet 630am flite!-for my dads birthday. ive never gone home during a school year so this is a first. but its nice. but also a hassle. whatever. im looking forward to hi temps and great sun.

illegitimus non carborundum est


this is one of the most beautiful things to have ever been made.
i really cannot express how this makes me feel.

illegitimus non carborundum est


life happened, thats what.

oh ya, and the whole thing that had happened was that i asked her to come to a party with me and brett, and she did, and we had a good time, and i had no expectations, but i had hopes, of just ya know, i dunno. and it didnt pan out. and i was drunk. and ive realized and acknowledged that im in love with the idea of her and maybe not her as much as i thought. but still. and it just hurt. it hurt so so bad. all i could do was start writing. i wrote on everything. the blog, myself, my wall, my journal...i dunno. sharpie everywhere. i was so hurt and so torn up and so everything. i still dont know completely why. it was just so real this time. it was so inside of me this time. i had to get it out. i need to get her out. its kinda like stepping in a lot of glass and i got the biggest fucking chunk out, but now some of the little ones are still in there and they just knick me randomly in the day, only its like my heart got rolled around in the glass instead of me stepping in it. i dunno. im figurin it out. the thing is, it has almost brought my life back together a little bit...? i know for whom i actually truly care...? well see.

i hope downunder is lovelier than way up here, where it snows in april...ugh.

whatever. its always better goin south...

illegitimus non carborundum est


so this is the thing that
i know you know:
that i love you
and i cant forget that.
i cant forget that way
i felt
the way you
made me feel.
i still know that i
made you feel too.
i felt as if i knew you whole
and as though id never
stop knowing you.
i never wanted you
to stop knowing me.
i love you, Doll,
you know that i do.
but i know the hurt
i cause, the hurt
that you leave me
though is the kind
of consistent bleeding.
The bleeding heart
i have beats only
when you will it to,
it bleeds only when
you stop the beating.
beating heart baby
you are, bledding heart baby
is what i own.
its not the one i asked for
and i dont think that
i want it anymore.
but i want you
and to know that i do
but you do know...
why dont you understand?
why dont you want me
i knew
i knew youd look for
someone else but i
never thought id need
to read to know.
maybe you could
look at my eyes when i would
find out, maybe you
could have even told me
how do you watch me hurt?
i come when you hurt
when you cry and
when you hate.
even me.
i was there
i was the first call.
you reached out
every time to me
and i have been calling
out to you.
why the fuck cant
you call back and
what the fuck
are you doing with
the kinfe?
your heart feels
each squeeze, but mine
feels my skin.
my skin feels
your heavy hand
as it slides
in a way that i
once loved but now have
learned to hate to love.
because your heavy hand
holds the fine edged
steel, the fine edged
emotion. so your heart
is squeezed, so your hand
slides off my sleeves,
so my heart feels the
dont mind me
getting closer to the edge
as i wouldnt want
te breeze to make you
too cold.
i wouldnt ask you hand
if being swallowed in a sea
i wouldnt take your food,
starving, if it was your
favorite treat.
just give me a chance, though
thats not really your
now is it?
i need my mind to stop fucking with me
so please stop fucking with my mind.

lock my soul so it doesnt get stolen
shield my heart so it doesnt get broken.

stop loving the way i hate myself
stop letting me know that i fucking love you


and i hope you burn for the pain you caused
and i hope you burn long and hard
and i hope you burn for breaking my heart

and i hope you burn the way you are
and i hope you burn long and hard
and i hope you burn and see how it hurts

but no. i hope you never have to hurt. not ever again. i couldnt. i wouldnt. i never want you to feel this way. i see how we are. this nite, alone, nobody's home, well kill the stars as we fall, you wanted more than you could have, but we both want it all. i love you. stop letting me. HATE me. i want to hate you. no. i dont want to care at all. yes. im there, im at that point, i dont want to know you anymore. ill be in a place ive never known before. so where do i go? i dont even know, im lost without you.

illegitimus non carborundum est