you know what, i think were growing up...



lots of concerts lately.

she called me the last day jaclyn was here and said: ive never been more disappointed in you. but check the internet.
so i checked facebook and she had posted picture from her few days here.
what the hell are you disappointed in me for? because i hadnt called you in about two weeks? well maybe i have three jobs, gurl. maybe you also told me that you didnt want to talk until you were ready?
what is it with this theme about people being upset at someone else for not communicating with them when they themselves are not putting effort towards communicating? and especially when one party states that they need time before talking can start? mk...rite.
then she unfriended me and before i had even processed that as a bad thing i just try to friend request her. and the next day i got a message.

fuck you.

i didnt respond. and i havent. and i wont.
it sucks. i dont know why it does. but it does.
and i miss her. what?
i was talking with my therapist about my need to maintain communication with someone that has been that important in my life and he was really pressing me to figure out why. i cant say that i know why. but cant it be that you still love them? you dont have to be in love but i mean, when you share a bed every nite, when the best times in my life are directly connected to times with certain people, how can you lose that?

it still hurts. it shouldnt. im so happy so unbelievably grateful for who i have now but there are moments where i still imagine and hear and see the parts of alexandra that i really loved being around.

i dont think she actually was in love with me. i think i was just not an asshole like some of the other guys shes dated. i also think that im a fucking spectacle and she loved the attention that gravitated from me to her.
i loved our time. fuck spectacles.

illegitimus non carborundum est


fuck you

illegitimus non carborundum est

my last post was number 100


:i was a cabin counselor for eight guys at camp high five, a camp for kids with hiv aids

:i met a guy named garrett who runs HERO, a NPO based in Atlanta for pediatric hiv/aids and now ive jumped on doing photography and media and art and stuff for them. the big event is on saturday and im stoked. i have two art presentations being shown.

:jaclyn came to visit for a few days and i i dunno, im out of words. it was amazing. she is. i like this.

:alexandra called me a few days ago with 'ive never been more disappointed in you, but check online' so i saw that she put up pictures and i have no idea what shes talking about. maybe because we havent talked? she was the one that said she wanted time before we really started talking again, so im fine with that but damn. and she just unfriended me about five minutes ago...seriously, lets grow up a little. its been easier and easier to communicate with her. pretty much because we havent talked in about three weeks. im ok with that. no. im good with that.

:i went to warped tour. fuck yes. coheed and cambria, anberlin, chiodos, circa survive, holiday parade, all time low, my american heart, norma jean, paramore, bad religion...sooooo fucking good

im out of things to say. im a little pissed off at life. i dont know why. but i am. i think i feel detached.from.abandoned.

illegitimus non carborundum est


office space

alexandra is gone.
i miss her. its weird. i wanted so badly for her not to come.
the first half was meh, we fought, we hated, we hugged.
the second half could not have gone better. we were able to be brutally honest about why we think each one of us cant handle the other. it was so fulfilling. then we got down to our bare emotions and psychologys and were able to be what we never had been before for each other. it was really great.
now i miss her.
she doesnt really want me to call about mondane stuff, just emotional stuff, like if shit really hits the fan for me. she wants some time, some space. im ok with that. but its good to know that we are good.

jaclyn is working a ton and we get some moments to talk and every word is great. weve been back and forth about defining ourselves and weve realized that we love what we are in and we love not having to be societys bitches. we know what we are and what we mean to each other rite now, so why modify it?

im peeling continents.

this is my hundredth post.

thanks for your help on nascar...

illegitimus non carborundum est



dad left
hes in his new apartment

alexandra left
on a great note
we did very well
we are very well
team FaST is back to normal
back to well

jaclyn is amazing

lizys boyfriend in coming in this morning and im excited to meet him

alexis saw a guy that looks just like me

i watched beyond border and it was great

i think im doing ok

the photographer stuff is taking a while to work out and im not liking that

i need to make cards and start sending my postsecrets back in

im figurin things out


illegitimus non carborundum est


illegitimus non carborundum est

farewell florida

i have spent the last two weeks in florida, the first in destin and the most recent in orlando, with mark. weve taken orlando and done everything we can with it. weve ridden the hulk about twelve times, the dr doom a ton, i ate way too fucking much, ive burned down a few cigars while on the phone, i spent too many quarters on nostalgic video games, ive eaten fish, ive talked to every ex and even a gurl too far away to handle who i just cant get close enough too. ive even spoken with friends from far away lands and those who have returned. all in all, its been a pretty damn good past few weeks. i road tripped to destin, then i drove to baton rouge, then back, then back, then flew to orlando. ive met rockers, hottys, white trash, readjusted things with my brother, and gone through a little family hell.

now i have alexandra waiting in atlanta. what am i supposed to do with that? i dont want this emotiona rollercoaster. ive been on real ones already. i wont be feeling feelings of love, i wont be wanting another try. she will, however, pssively manipulate her way into my pants which i want no part of. i dont want any opportunity and i dont want her. i care for her on an unbelievable extent, but i want nothing reminiscent of what we were, of what we loved. i take back what i said about her passively manipulating her way into my pants. she wont bother. ive laid it out that i wont take part and i will continue to do so.

regarding family hell...the hell is not so much hell. its a purgatory, really. a liminal waiting place where decisions either dont come quickly enough or they just come forced upon.
finally, though, my parents have had it out, it seems for the last time, and are throwing in the towel, or however the phrase goes. its looks like a twenty-one year marriage and a twenty-six year relationship mite finally comes to a california-rolling stop.
for years ive asked to move out with someone, since about freshman year of high school. finally i got to when i left for college, but it just wasnt far enough.
i did it, i actually did it when i got to italy, but comin back to the states left me more depressed than ever. the realization that there is, in fact, a life to be lived state-side. one that i dont want to be in.
so my upset days and weeks in new york, that really were just atlanta transposed into the northeast, have brought my parents' focus to my well-being, after ive learned to grow with the pain and work with it in other ways.
thanks for picking up about six years too late. thanks for modifying my life.
it has pulled me into a summer of atlanta, opposite of where i want and need to be. it has opened the doors, though, to places i dont wish to travel, to schools and decisions that i want no part of for the next few years, but it isnt really my decision, is it? no, the check-writer tells me where im happyst.
while i may have won over my mom with my emotional testimony of gallatins unique values and puzzle-like fit into my life, my guideline-driven father cannot allow a bending-boundary institution, force, to become my environment.
it is, in fact, rules that govern us, did you know? and that we really dont have much more than a box in which to think.

fuck the box. let me make a mandelbrot of my life.

illegitimus non carborundum est


im in florida rite now

tomorrow im goin to baton rouge to visit molly and maybe ill see aline

then im goin back to destin

then im going back to atlanta

then im going to orlando

then im going back to atlanta

and i will be meeting alexandra in the airport

and she will spend a few days in atlanta with me

this will all be done by the fourteenth

im tan

thats fun

i miss new york

thats not

ive got some good buddys here though, my really only real like guy buddys

it makes me feel like such a loser to say something like that, like i shouldnt even have to state it. im glad they dont really know that i like seek out the time i can get from them and love chillin out and drinkin beer and looking at gurls and just being in the sun. they are what life is about.

now im gunna go have oysters with them.

illegitimus non carborundum est


i know rite? it is kinda well really tough. we ended up talking more. im better about her visitng because the fact of the matter is that i do miss her as a person and good times and stuff. so i want to see her, i just dont want to feel the aftereffects ya know? thats what it is. i talked to her about the other stuff that would get me back into the feelings if you know what i mean, and she kinda agreed and we will play it as is. ill figure it out. ive been a lot better lately about being upfront and honest about precarious positions. but i could still be more upfront i spose. alexandra doesnt know about jaclyn, but i dunno. its not that she has to, but im sure shed feel a little meh about it. thats the thing; im not trying to protect myself in this. i just dont want her to hurt. i dont want anyone to hurt.

illegitimus non carborundum est


alexandra wants to come on the fourteenth. i bailed once on her about her coming here. i cant bail again. however, with jaclyn in the picture, i cant do this to myself again. i cant find a former lover, i cant find someone that i can feel that i can hold, with emotion or not, when i am in the midst of building and sustaining something so good. even if i want to have a week with alexandra, no holds barred, i cant do it to myself this time. i cant do it to jaclyn. shed never know. but i dont want there to be something that she doesnt know. she is completely ok with alexandra visiting me, shes not concerned. because she isnt concerned i cant have anything happen with alexandra. i cant have alexandra come.
alexandra is about to call me back. i was just talking to her, explaining that i dont think that we should try to be physical when she comes because i dont want to fall back into something that we had before. i dont want to feel that love again. it hurts way too fucking much. i cant reconnect. i cant tear it open because i dont want to sew it shut again. ive detached, and so has she. she explained that. she doesnt feel connected to me. good. fuck. no. good.she is questioning the point in her coming here too. she realizes that she wants to come mainly because she wants to see me, but we both know that its a vindication thing. she wants to know that she had and has the power over me to get me to buckle and have her arive. she isnt trying to win me back, and she wouldnt be able to. i still need to think more about this. she hasnt called back yet. she said five minutes. its been about fifteen. oh well.

illegitimus non carborundum est


ive been waiting

ive been waiting for this moment all nite long

silversun pickups. i cant stop.

illegitimus non carborundum est


two for this week

because its a special week

illegitimus non carborundum est


this atlanta thing isnt working out.
and in the worst kind of way.

i think im gunna stick it out until i have enough money for a plane ticket and a few weeks rent somewhere cheap.
i think im gunna talk to financial aid about how i can pay for school myself.

i think i need to be twenty years old and do things for myself.

jaclyn's was great.
were great. were in intense.
i like it.
the song before, the it hurts, was sort of in reference to alexandra but also just stuff i had been listening to.
she is forcing her way into seeing me in atlanta and i am allowing her to do so.
but now shes being condescending and not fun again.
i dont want her to come again.
but i cant do that.
shell hate me.
i cant have that.
i dont know why but i cant.
i told her i wouldnt.

im terrible.
but im not.
what am i doing?

i cant be here anymore.

this weeks postsecrets are amazing.

illegitimus non carborundum est



0642 wake up
0730 arrive at budget
0800 start driving budget truck
1200 stop driving budget truck
1230 arrive at apartment
1312 get to bus station
1400 be in new jersey?
1412 be at jaclyns?
should i stay or should i go?

1200 orientation in the park
1300 leave the park

0402 wake up
0500 arrive in park
1000 aids walk starts
1230 aids walk ends?
1300 give tour to brothers friend
1500 go to bus station
1600 get to new jersey
1612 get to jaclyns


illegitimus non carborundum est

the littlest things...

the song 155 by +44 that I keep on repeat

ornate lamp posts around the city

being needed at the AIDS Walk more than I imagined

28 weeks later with my brother when i get home

knowing alexis will be home

being able to sleep next to someone (which unfortunately isnt happening)


...are what make you happy.

illegitimus non carborundum est



its true, i am not registered for next semester. im trying to figure out exactly what it is i should be doing. im sure of what im doing, but my parents want me to look harder at other programs. however, i wont only be looking at public health stuff. im actually looking at photography programs at different schools, but one of them is in new york, so well see.

jaclyn leaves tomorrow to get her tonsils out on wednesday and then i leave on the 22nd. so i mite see here, after tomorrow, one or two more times. but i guess thats life. i dont like it though.

alexandra has professed her hate for me. i dont know what happened. i consciously didnt call her about visiting because i was beginning to mix too many worlds. but then we talked, she cried a little, we figured things out, and left it lovingly, understanding each others positions. we then decided that her visiting atlanta would be a good plan, but i dont know what happened. in the last week she hasnt contacted me at all except for once and it was in respose to a question. i still only got a word out of her. when we left it all and had everything splyed on the table, she seemed fine. we seemed ok. we were ok. what to do?! i dont know. but it pretty much confirms my faith is my inability to hold someone meaningful for long enough. i think that i have to stop it all this summer.

am i really ready for the lonliest summer? i didnt like the lonely semester, but i spose i handled it. i survived it.

lets find out.

youll fall asleep with the windows open, come to me with the worst youve said and done, youll cross youre eyes and see that lifes much more meaningful, i stand no chance at all.

illegitimus non carborundum est


no. not THE gurl.
A gurl.
shes in gallatin, does film, wins awards for them, really up and into humanist things so there are good discussions on human rights and stuff, and ya. pretty much all-around fun.
i finished everything two fridays ago. now im doin my internship and some volunteering.
i dont know what im doin about next semester. im not registered for classes. while i want to come back, i want to look around, and so do my parents, but im so confused about it all!!! grrr...
i just ate yogurt and a banana and am drinkin a naked tropical c, one of eight nakeds i bought, along with a pound of gummy sour worms, three things of yogurt, a box of chocolate poptarts (for brett), a bag of doritos (also brett), and two pints of haagen daz (for me). i ate the whole caramel cone one last nite and got into the mayan chocolate, but jaclyn's chocolate chip cookie distracted me.
ive been watching a lot of documentarys lately. jaclyn was showing me them. i used to always watch movies like that, then i stopped, now im back.
i developed two random rolls yesterday. i have four more to do for fun. maybe today.
i talked with my mom yesterday. im goin to orlando with my brother for a few days when i get back, but you have to be twentyone to register for a hotel and my dad was like, shit what do we do? and my mom goes, oh dont worry, bretts got a fake do comes back with, well, problem solved.
seriously dad? but dyed hair isnt ok?
i dunno.
on dyed hair...i have a random blonde streak. i like it.
i need to write more postsecrets. i didnt really like the ones from this week that got put up.
i had two photos published in wsn. that makes me happy.
so i should head out to my internship.
i dont want to. im bored of it. no, i kinda just dont have amazing chemistry with my boss. its not bad at all, she isnt that is. but theres just nothing there. she doesnt make me want to do anything. whatever. what happens happens. im off.

illegitimus non carborundum est


a gurl

thats why

illegitimus non carborundum est


so i put up really long post the other day and i dont know what happened to it, like why it is not here. im not happy about that.
but im happy rite now.

illegitimus non carborundum est


illegitimus non carborundum est


illegitimus non carborundum est
i just finished 28 days later.
freaky movie.
love it.

volunteering to do AIDS walk stuff.
at the gay mens health center of new york.
hey, i didnt choose it.

katie asked me to prom.
id love to go but la is kinda far.
i still want to go though.

illegitimus non carborundum est


my flite is scheduled two and a half hours behind.

oh well.

maybe ill miss class...whoa...i can handle that. minus the fact ive never skipped before...? but i mean, different circumstances. it would let me finish the paper i have due for the class...ya.

updates soon. worry not.

like anyone reads this.

illegitimus non carborundum est

except for you alexis. love.
rite now im actually on skype with alexis and it pretty much rocks my life.
oh secrets. im loving these.

i havent read postsecret today and its killing me.

im in atlanta for my dads birthday which was saturday and we had a pretty good time, though i ended up getting probably cooler stuff than he did, like this bitchin fone. its this sonywalkman fone and amazing.

we are talking about gurls and boys.
me about gurls.
her about boys.

they both suck.
weve agreed.

we ate at south city kitchen in vinings. the flavors were really strong, but a little too potent. it was nice though. i got a fried oyster salad and a country fried steak that was marinated in coke. so south. so georgia. so atlanta.

orpheus and eurydice.

letting go is harder than letting loose.

you just blew my mind.

i dont know what i should be writing here.

so im gunna go.

lets see though...i want to rite about stuff but i just dont know what to write about. echipa is visiting in may. thats gunna be fun.

ciao for now.

illegitimus non carborundum est


so ive completed my first foto project, which im doing 11x14, save for one picture i havent done yet, and ive decided to maintain the same images for project number two, but ive completely revamped the concept. now i want the images to be super contrasty-so weird for me-with blown-out hilites and maybe silhouetted subjects, i.e. the dancers. well see what happens. ill post them when i finish them. slash, they are gunna be 16x20. so i bought great new paper and a fun portfolio but stupid utrecht made it impossible to figure out what i was buying for what price, which discount i should or shouldnt have gotten...basically a forty-five minute process when i knew what i wanted, which was listed rite on the wall and then the price turned out to be something like ninety-seven dollars, not forty. bleh, so i got a different, unfortunately bigger, one, but it works rite?
i have a shoot tomorrow for my friend michael who is working on a 'writing new york' final but wants images, so ya. and i did a shoot today with brett. so good. images soon. and i was in a shoot yesterday, whoa, which was very cute and fun. but cold.
its not supposed to be cold in april. so over this wet thing.
mk. research time maybe?
ya, i spose so.
im going home for the weekend-sweet 630am flite!-for my dads birthday. ive never gone home during a school year so this is a first. but its nice. but also a hassle. whatever. im looking forward to hi temps and great sun.

illegitimus non carborundum est


this is one of the most beautiful things to have ever been made.
i really cannot express how this makes me feel.

illegitimus non carborundum est


life happened, thats what.

oh ya, and the whole thing that had happened was that i asked her to come to a party with me and brett, and she did, and we had a good time, and i had no expectations, but i had hopes, of just ya know, i dunno. and it didnt pan out. and i was drunk. and ive realized and acknowledged that im in love with the idea of her and maybe not her as much as i thought. but still. and it just hurt. it hurt so so bad. all i could do was start writing. i wrote on everything. the blog, myself, my wall, my journal...i dunno. sharpie everywhere. i was so hurt and so torn up and so everything. i still dont know completely why. it was just so real this time. it was so inside of me this time. i had to get it out. i need to get her out. its kinda like stepping in a lot of glass and i got the biggest fucking chunk out, but now some of the little ones are still in there and they just knick me randomly in the day, only its like my heart got rolled around in the glass instead of me stepping in it. i dunno. im figurin it out. the thing is, it has almost brought my life back together a little bit...? i know for whom i actually truly care...? well see.

i hope downunder is lovelier than way up here, where it snows in april...ugh.

whatever. its always better goin south...

illegitimus non carborundum est


so this is the thing that
i know you know:
that i love you
and i cant forget that.
i cant forget that way
i felt
the way you
made me feel.
i still know that i
made you feel too.
i felt as if i knew you whole
and as though id never
stop knowing you.
i never wanted you
to stop knowing me.
i love you, Doll,
you know that i do.
but i know the hurt
i cause, the hurt
that you leave me
though is the kind
of consistent bleeding.
The bleeding heart
i have beats only
when you will it to,
it bleeds only when
you stop the beating.
beating heart baby
you are, bledding heart baby
is what i own.
its not the one i asked for
and i dont think that
i want it anymore.
but i want you
and to know that i do
but you do know...
why dont you understand?
why dont you want me
i knew
i knew youd look for
someone else but i
never thought id need
to read to know.
maybe you could
look at my eyes when i would
find out, maybe you
could have even told me
how do you watch me hurt?
i come when you hurt
when you cry and
when you hate.
even me.
i was there
i was the first call.
you reached out
every time to me
and i have been calling
out to you.
why the fuck cant
you call back and
what the fuck
are you doing with
the kinfe?
your heart feels
each squeeze, but mine
feels my skin.
my skin feels
your heavy hand
as it slides
in a way that i
once loved but now have
learned to hate to love.
because your heavy hand
holds the fine edged
steel, the fine edged
emotion. so your heart
is squeezed, so your hand
slides off my sleeves,
so my heart feels the
dont mind me
getting closer to the edge
as i wouldnt want
te breeze to make you
too cold.
i wouldnt ask you hand
if being swallowed in a sea
i wouldnt take your food,
starving, if it was your
favorite treat.
just give me a chance, though
thats not really your
now is it?
i need my mind to stop fucking with me
so please stop fucking with my mind.

lock my soul so it doesnt get stolen
shield my heart so it doesnt get broken.

stop loving the way i hate myself
stop letting me know that i fucking love you


and i hope you burn for the pain you caused
and i hope you burn long and hard
and i hope you burn for breaking my heart

and i hope you burn the way you are
and i hope you burn long and hard
and i hope you burn and see how it hurts

but no. i hope you never have to hurt. not ever again. i couldnt. i wouldnt. i never want you to feel this way. i see how we are. this nite, alone, nobody's home, well kill the stars as we fall, you wanted more than you could have, but we both want it all. i love you. stop letting me. HATE me. i want to hate you. no. i dont want to care at all. yes. im there, im at that point, i dont want to know you anymore. ill be in a place ive never known before. so where do i go? i dont even know, im lost without you.

illegitimus non carborundum est


two pills and a slap across my face

so foto is finally retaking over my life.
im very happy about that.
ive been printing a ton, going to exhibits, and went to a panel discussion today.
i also joined

i saw alexey titarenko's new gallery showing, "havana sketches."
it was really really good.
his sepia toning was so mild that i thought he had printed on warm tone paper.
i also got to see his st. petersburg stuff which i have been dying to see.
i was in awe.
ive never felt that way looking at pictures.
i have to meet him.

i walked around for the last two hours or so with jen just catchin up.

i got a lot done today.
i sent alexandra a late birthday package and
i bought a refill for my monte blanc pen and
i went to two skateshops and
i went to a fotografia panel and
i went to class which was amazing and
i found out about good stuff for dying my hair and
i bought two skinny ties which i will post later and
i bought three mini tie dye wallet things for two bucks each and
i talked to the woman who made them who is from nepal and
i downloaded the muse discography and
i got litebulbs and
i got food and
i looked at shoes and
i returned my library books now that my ingo class is done and
i mailed bailey a note and
i sent out a few emails and
i pressed my prints and
i dont have my list with me for all the things i crossed off today.

i was supposed to see emily tonite and hang out at her studio but she got too tired.
no worrys because we mite later this weekend.

i have two lsu friends coming to chill in the city on saturday but no molly and no aline which sucks.

i need to write a foto response paper and read a foto article in the morning and then print and then go to class and then go to 'i am sexual' to win the rabbit and eat a cake that looks like a big set of breasts and then something else i think but i cant remember.

i miss kissing.
just nice kissing.

illegitimus non carborundum est


my favorite from this weeks postsecret

illegitimus non carborundum est

so far today...

(the streak was red)

i woke up at seven
had a good shower
saw that it was fifty-five out
put on a killer outfit
had an ok omelette and really good cookie crisps
bought two grosses of eclipse gum
read for class went to class
listened to the gurl next to me say that sterilization, which she later specified to me as 'tubal litigation,' is the number one form of birth control in the us
realized i read the two wrong assignments for class
got out of class
talked to my teacher about my role on the panel tonite regarding contemporary feminism
burned a cd for alexandra
changed clothes because now its seventy
am about to leave to send a package to italia
and am going to view alexey titarenkos echibit on fifty-seventh street.

so good.

illegitimus non carborundum est


for my second project
not even close to done though
thought id share though
ciao per adesso.


illegitimus non carborundum est



i got to talk to alexis last nite. that was really nice.
i miss her.
even though ive seen her about four times in my life, they were all stellar times and just thinking about the fact that shes not around, even though i really never see her anyways, is depressing. but nice. because missing her means she counts.

mine is recomplicated, too.

illegitimus non carborundum est

19.3.07 on...

it mite have taken me about two hours tonite and ways to many days before
but i finally asked how complicated are we?

its like every weight got lifted off, just by asking.
its like finally i can push past that brittled candy like barrier and just talk to her and actually do something about us.

she didnt have much to say.
im glad though.
because i just needed to know that i had the confidence to ask, to say,
to wonder out loud.
and she was ok with it.
its not quite as delicate as i thought.

on the other hand the former other lover has built a wall of words and hate.
as much as i had never wished that to come about,
im glad.
there is no contest in my mind.
there is no longer a real choice to make.
i did nothing wrong.
i didnt do anything wrong when i was in italy but i still stepped past the boundaries of love.
this time, i didnt step the wrong way or break any rules.
i was better.
and i am still hated.
and im glad.
because now there is no question.

but will i get the chance to see the possible revival into fruition?
probably not.
not because it wont happen.
but probably because
i wont be around for it to happen.

this was my favorite from post secret today.

thats kinda how i feel.
and im glad.

illegitimus non carborundum est


it only happens one in a hundred when your name is at the top.
but on that hundredth time i could die inside
because it
feels so good.
so this morning
i died.

illegitimus non carborundum est
so i know that you dont do all the
calling or sending of messages like i do.
and maybe thats just a way of seeing if ill
send or call anymore.
and that works
but i doubt that its any sort of strategy.
regardless though, i think that im
less worried about seeming
than i am of not letting you know

i really miss you.

illegitimus non carborundum est
its in the ordinary ways
in the simplest moments
at the perfect time
on the rite occasion
when im alone
when i look through the lens
when im falling asleep
as i think ill cry
and then i cant
buttoning my shirt
talking to friends
tasting a drink a bite
biting my lip
when the timing is the worst
or in my darkest moments
together with family
waking up
drunk or stoned
without you
even as i talk about you
or when im holding the blades
if im listening to music
writing this
feeling nothing
and everything
when it hurts the most and
when i cant tell if it hurts
i know then
all this time
that yes

did you know that?

illegitimus non carborundum est


mine too

my heart hurts without you

my heart hurts without you too

but dont let it hurt too much because i know where you are
and that you really arent that far away
i know that youre going to come back to me one day
i know that the worrys, the hurts, the tears, the smiles
are both a part of our lives that we can share over thousands of miles
just let yourself know that its ok to be unsure
of the people in your life and the things that you do that may not be pure
because in the end you know that itll work out
because in the end you know what everythings about
so dont let your heart hurt
let your heart be in song
let it be confused, in angst, in torrid love
and just let it remember where it came from.

illegitimus non carborundum est

the weighted dreams that keep me floating

i think i stayed over at her place for about three nites, with nothing happening.
and they were perfect...?
they felt perfect.
but its the questioning, the every moment of wondering 'should i, will she?"
what do you do when arent going for the first, but youre going for the most important?
its so hard to control that feeling of longing and yearning and loving.
those feelings, rather.
because i do. all of those. for her.
for them.

did i fall back in or did i ever get out?
maybe i was just sitting on the side
the more broken side of the tub
and i left my feet still in.
you got up, sat there too.
walked away for and after a few.
i think you were looking around the corner, trying to see if my feet stayed wet
but not knowing where you went i was worried
started to fret.
so i went looking but you thought i went away
you kept from getting back in that tub
bubbling, swimming with love.
it died itself down, got cold and spiteful
and you still thought i was gone leaving you around.
in fact i was looking, but found an old feeling
only this feeling was different.
i didnt have to ask, i never wondered what she meant.
i wanted to be back in that tub,
bubbles of love,
back with you but you wouldnt take truth
but here we are now.
you "called on me"
and i held you closer than youd let anyone else
with almost no words spoken i made it alright.
now every time i think of you
i think that maybe id better not know
know whether or not youd like me to call.
youve told me before when i have felt like this
but im in a different position
certainly not blissful this state
because it makes me feel like youd like me to wait.
i wont i cant i have to get you right now,
even as you talk about significant others and just
how theyll make you feel better.
please please let me make you feel better.
dont talk to me like your friend again.
talk to me like you love me again.
ive never talked to you like youre a friend.

illegitimus non carborundum est


why are things going so well between us?
its fucking things up.

illegitimus non carborundum est
i saw bright eyes tonite

illegitimus non carborundum est


i just dont understand. how can you give her everything i want?

two messages spurred a midnite phone call.
sitting in the hallway i listen to the start of a panic attack.
a little while later im there to hold.
i havent held in a long time.
crying crying sobing.
calm down. rubbing her back making sure she can be ok.
i think less than ten words went back and forth last nite.
i sat and held.
i layed and held.
hands wiping tears
hands holding hands
hands rubbing stomachs backs arms.
id like to do it again.
it came to find me today when my hand was grabbed the way i grabbed last nite.
ill do it agian.
but with who now?

holding hands with former lovers can stop the world

illegitimus non carborundum est




besides being the best word in general, fuck is the best word to describe my life.
at least for rite now.

ive fucked up things with alexandra.
i am a bit too fucking behind on my foto assignments.
my hair is a bit too fucking big.
i bought a sweet fucking tshirt.
fuck ya im seein brite eyes on friday nite.
i have fucked thing up with alexandra.

after getting off the phone the first time, when we decided to be 'all' from 'all or nothing' i felt like something was wrong. immediately knowing not to go into it, i did. though with about five hours of debate.
the post on fucking facebook, the goddamn bane of my existence, obviously pissed off bailey. im getting to the point there where i kinda want to say screw that. i dont want to. but its getting there.
then this past weekend, alexandra and i talked and i asked for us to step back from the 'all,' which she agreed to and with, as she had noticed the weirdness that had ensued since the week before.
but then i decided to go farther.
i asked for us to move back even more significantly. like back to where my stance was when i left italy. i want to put relations with bailey on at least an amicable level. whether or not anything goes from there, well see. im not counting on it. i dont know if im hoping for it.
all of this i addressed to alexandra and she seemed, more than anything, genuinely happy that i had been honest.
truth, it seems, is the primary concern for her.
truth, it seems, is the primary problem for me.
at least to her.
so now im on the fone with her. finally.
but the last few days have been her not being happy to talk to me, which is warranted, but i still wanna talk to her. whenever i can.
i think i still mite want to be with her. put everything aside and be with her.
i think so.

illegitimus non carborundum est


i am letting the telephone ring
cause i don't want to know why
i don't want to hear you explain
i don't want to hear you cry
i have written so much about you
so much i thought i knew
words like water used to flow
now what could i possibly have to say?
she is someone i don't even know
and all the things that you've given to me
i see now were simply reparations
they were gifts of your guilt
they were my preparation
i know i should be mature
keep my feet on the floor
but for some reason,
i just don't want them anymore
i know this shouldn't be important
compared to you and i
but i can still hear my questions
and i can still hear you
i can still hear you
now vicariously i have her in me
i want to peel off my skin
let the water wash in
you always said that i was hiding
that i was hiding from you
but you are capable of things i could not do
you are capable of things i could not do
i remember how you pretended
how you pretended to touch me
i remember how i couldn't bring myself to believe
i remember wondering,
what was wrong
what was wrong
how could i be so naive
how could i be so naive?

illegitimus non carborundum est


at 72 youre legally insane

its 1238am on friday.
the last time i was asleep was at 65959 am on tuesday.
thats 65 hours 38 mins and some seconds

illegitimus non carborundum est


because i can see in the dark

long photoshoot with brett and jacqui yesterday.
it was for a cute nice gurl so it was ok.
then to uptown and a walk through harlem to get to columbia to meet up with emily.
caffe swish.
architecture studios.
then to open bar with brett.
a gurl came up to me and told me that she loved my hair.
i thought that was funny.
we ended up talking about stuff and shes into the same education reform stuff i am and is from texas. it was cool. kinda hilarious that we were drinking at the bar and then talking education policy. love it.
i was there for a "friend's" birthday and we ended up getting bottle service there. absolut. i hate absolut. it always makes me sick. it made me sick last nite too. then we went to le souk for hookah and yet another bottle service but this time grey goose. the good thing was the whole time, i paid for me and one person for taxi and a subway ride. so nice.
i ate twizzlers and animal crackers when i got home.
i woke up with a headache. that was the first time drinking had ever done that to me. the closest ive ever been to a hangover.
now papers.
and discussions.

illegitimus non carborundum est


.luce. by adamek

illegitimus non carborundum est
its like menthols
burn faster
than my the speed of my feet
its like the sun rises quicker than
i can compete
its like
you arent here
to make me complete
its like
all that i want
is a symbiotic heart beat

illegitimus non carborundum est



illegitimus non carborundum est

flying away

so miss alexis is leaving me today.
ill miss her.
she called me.
youre the best alexis.
have the best time.
im waiting for amazing photos and skypeness.
ciao per adesso, la mia amica.

vagina monologues tonite...amazing.
bay pretty much rocked it.
and it was hilarious and so disturbing all at the same time.
from rape stories to orgasms on stage. such a mix.
however, the political insertion at the end i didnt like, about war and stuff. it tied up at the end of the little speech, but it gave the end of the show a weird feel. i wish it were different. but they did do some good stuff to recognize women who had been victims of earlier sexual offenses which i thought was very well done and well received. overall, id see it again. which is why im spending my valentines nite to see it.

happy valentines day. or happy as some of us say. really, im not against it. i think i tried to convince myself once that i was. i mean its commercial, ya, but i think that people are just cynical and "against" it to move against the mainstream. i have no problems with it. you only reinforce your own singularity. the holiday doesnt. i dunno. i dont like cynicism that isnt pragmatic. whatever.

im gunna keep researching.
someone get laid for me.
since it is valentines and all.

illegitimus non carborundum est


you called

it was intense.
i got a little scared.

there are new dots on the radar
they are flying past
and blinking low
but yours is holding in one spot
it keeps a steady glow

illegitimus non carborundum est



the ricasoli reunion reminded me
that im too in love with a place
much too far away
and that crying may in fact
be right.
how do you justify a
love that cant connect
or the waging
war of hearts
where even
eros winds up dead?
in a town thats older than
most ancient states of people
i found a safety net
that has so many holes because
it has been over used.
can the soul be so tired of searching?
can the mind be so full of phonetic thoughts?
what cant come in
is trapped from the inside
by the fleeting not of gods.
im reminded that
i cared
for even those that really
knew me not
and that they cared for the one
who wouldnt give the time.
let me
oh fucking muse of lite of mite
let me know how im supposed
to love and to labor
over easy tests of life.
it doesnt matter anymore
but it will in such due time.
those feelings dont ever make their way home
to wear i built a landscape just for them
they dont get buried in their coffins
made just the rite size.
i spose now that the boxes were just too small
for my standards keep me from allowing
exactly what i want.
its what i want
what you need
never is
never was
truth in any way.
i want for you
for home to be
exactly where i travel
exactly where i live
exactly inside of you.
what commenced herein
as a lyric of just recently passed memories
of tanglibles and friendships
turned to toasts of you.
i wont forget
because this will get easier for us.
i took the time
but wouldnt give it out
and now i know that i lived
more than anyone else've thought.
a te

illegitimus non carborundum est

after the long drags of a cigarette or two

i found out that im still in love with you

illegitimus non carborundum est
maybe its worth the hours
maybe skipping the parties
maybe even the fites

illegitimus non carborundum est


still the weekend?

well i dont know because i never fell asleep

i got the new drop dead, gorgeous album
and a tshirt.
it came with extra stickers.

illegitimus non carborundum est
worst weekend ever

but now its monday
things should be looking up

illegitimus non carborundum est


and i love how hurting so much makes it all feel so ok

illegitimus non carborundum est



and im not having a good nite
and im ok
but i dont like being alone
alone is the same as lonely now
and i downloaded bob sinclair
and i love it
and its reminding me too much of florence
and the pictures
and everything.
and a favorite part of florence for me is gone.
the jacket that i got for my birthday was stolen.
just taken from my seat at this bar.
and i want to fall apart, because stupidly enough that jacket meant the world to me.
you and i.
we went there.
we picked those out.
we couldnt afford them.
and i got it.
my best friend in florence got it for me.
and i got to carry around florence on my shoulders everyday.
and i got to think of something from florence everyday when i put it on.
and its gone.
it was iconic.
i cant believe im actually about to cry over a jacket.
i didnt bring anything to new york from florence.
except that jacket and your bracelet.
maybe its just an avenue.
maybe i just needed that jacket taken so that i can just cry.
but i wont cry.
ill save the salty drops for something else.
youre supposed to be here. and youre not. and i cant blame anything for it. and i hate that. no i dont want to blame, but i need there to be a reason why. and there isnt. its just how it is.
im ok.
thank you for talking tonite.
mi piace.
non un po', ma...
buona notte.

illegitimus non carborundum est


scribbling on bathroom walls

i had practice tonite. im outta shape. i went to the bathroom twice and just puked everything out. i loved it.
i interviewed with the chef of mas [farmhouse] today and he is giving me a part time position. that lasy still hasnt called back from the new york aids coalition. im trying to work for them for free and they wont get an interview with me.
i got the fabri fibra album. i love italian music. the only rap ill listen too.
so i dont read, rite? like i hate reading, but ive been doin so much for my classes. this is the most reading ive ever had. and im doin probably 85% of it. the rest of the time is still generally for work, but some other whatever involved. clearly.

so today for my international ngo class we had to take these fifty values, like moral type of things, make ten high on our list, at least five low, and anything else medium. then we had to do this scoring thing, see if any of the highs changed. then write down our top five values, the things we consider most important to us, like creativity, integrity, family, religion, that kinda stuff, one per note card. five note cards. then the prof came around and said now, which one do you want to get rid of. so we had to choose from the five hiest values in our lives which one we would toss. so she grabbed one card from each person. then she stands at the front and reads the cards saying "this person is throwing away their loyalty. this person is throwing away love and affection." we listened to about thirty of these and watched her throw away each card after she said it. she did this for the top four, coming to the last two saying, "now you can keep one. which will it be?" then she read out what we were all keeping, but we had to make a copy of what value we were keeping, so that we could hold on to it. you dont want to leave with her having thrown away every value. it was really really intense. i didnt think id care that much. but at the end i was really upset. no personal relationships, as in nothing having to do with another person even made it into my top ten. that was one of the most emotionally draining experiences of my life. even without all the emotions.

illegitimus non carborundum est



i wasnt in my bed for three nites but nothing really happened but then i got to my bed last nite, watched borat, which was way too stupid, and then couldnt fall asleep. so brett and i hookahed it, i got chips, salsa and water, and feel asleep.

i seemed to put in more in my birth control class, which is totally a feminism class, than any of the gurls. at least concept-wise. and the only two other guys in the class are gay. i could be the only one in that class that has a thing for gurls. maybe not, but totally likely. but im throwing out these concepts of objectifying women and all this crazy stuff from the crux (by charlotte perkins gilman, props to her) and theres just this sense of like, meh...from other people. lauren, the prof, whos is a cross between natalie portman and angelina, was touting some of my stuff so i was like ok ive got this feminism thing down, but i was blown away that some gurls wouldnt speak up about women and stuff. guhhh.

i ate an icecream cake with bay in like fifteen minutes. like whoa.

i got bright eyes tickets with casey. so pumped. rocket summer and early november the next day. pumped.

foto is stupid so far. lets get some real projects that last longer than a fuckin week.

illegitimus non carborundum est


the sunshine palace

so i interviewed at a photo production company today. last nite i was selected as the subject for this fine art photographer. and i also had my global ambassadors interview today. hopefully they will al work out.
i changed the pin number on my account and i carried bags for this homeless woman to the shelter.
since six ive felt like absolute horse shit and i have no idea why. i think its the medicine wearing off.
im goin with emma rose to a concert. that should be cool. im gunna go get a smoothie. i dont want food.

illegitimus non carborundum est



so mad class rearrangement. this hasnt happened to me before. but this morning i was so undecided about things that i was registered for 22 credits. i randomly went to this digital tools class which i ended up loving. completely dropped topics in healthcare, want to get rid of walter lipmann, need to finish my photo project for this week (which i just spent $400 on at b&h...), have 60 pages of reading for tomorrow, i need a job, i need an internship, i am getting bright eyes tickets on thursday but found out they are only online not at this certain box office and i was so excited to sit out in the cold for with a mate to swap music with, and ya theres just other stuff to do.

i like the go! team.

so brett and i had two shoots on saturday and our alarms didnt go off in the am and we woke up to the sound of our door bell. always good. then the second shoot took about 3 1/2 hours. we both hadnt eaten and were like ughhh so we ate shitty pizza then had jul gloog at hunts. i dont remember what happened after that. except that i helped carry phones and a microwave through the park with a homeless guy so that he could jump on the train back to brooklyn. we talked, well, i said, ya cool, a lot because i had no fucking clue what he said. then the next nite i spoke with another homeless guy for about ten minutes and learned that he used to own a truck, live in PA, painted all the fire escapes in ny basically, drinks two 40's a day, and ya, i think thats about it. oh ya, he dropped outta MIT. good plan.

i was in class for seven straight hours today. 2-9. wow. i hadnt eaten since about 9 am. wow. this seems to be a trend. at least it keeps my girlish figure.

i havent taken the time to edit these at all, but theyre fun for a looksy. these and more are up on my photo site, see left.

illegitimus non carborundum est



thank you

illegitimus non carborundum est


stupid tv

forgot about this. so basically last nite i was at bays watching tv, which is pretty much a once in a week thing for me, maybe, and this chick is maybe the biggest fan ever of american idol and is about to sing. shes all fake gothed out, saying bff and the like, and they judges ask her who her favorite contestant has been and she said Ace. i have no idea who this kid is, and then she says, i even got a tattoo that he designed. im thinking, ok cool, tattoos, love em, but youre still gross. she continues..."everyone says that im intimidating (maybe because your four times their size and really loud and awkward) but i think i wear my heart on my sleeve." all im thinking, especially after catching shit from bay for my tattoo that chelsea and i got, and this chick rolls up her sleeve and has the same fucking thing, only uglier. hers being more cartoonish of a heart but the dot was still fucking there, but inthe corner. im flippin out, because chelsea and i designed ours! fucker! bay cant move because shes laughing too hard, im crying and laughing and ya. thats all. i just hated that.

illegitimus non carborundum est

you get what you get and you get what you deserve

so im better after last nite.
it was actually a good thing to see and be with bay but frustrating nonetheless.
i think i have my only class today when i thought i didnt and then shes got break whatever.
yay jen is back. tea time.
and there is a dog that we now sit on wednesdays. but hes cool in my book and i dont like animals, so ya. good deal. ok. time for....homework?

illegitimus non carborundum est

welcome home

i told my self i wouldnt do it. i said it and knew it and wouldnt. everything was planned out in my mind. i knew it i knew it. i told mysel i wouldnt let myself get too close again.

i guess im a good fuckin liar.

illegitimus non carborundum est


fucking copy shops.
fucking restaurants.
fucking insecurity.

illegitimus non carborundum est
so today was ok.
there were serious ups and no serious downs but some serious seriousness.
after i get called and hung up on after being asked how to roll a joint by a never long lost ex, i continued to watch others chow on some sushi and get way too drunk and then we headed to the belgian beer bar, thank god for good ale.
i miss belgium. its a really great place. plan on visiting? lemme know, i have some good places to go.
i got a tattoo today <.3 with chelsea.
i woke up at two, i dont know why, but ya, it was a late nite and then i edited some pictures. brett and i are havin pretty much the best time with this venture. well see how it goes.
i did it again.
tomorrow i have birth control at 930 and walter lippmann at two. kinda really stoked. kinda really love school. kinda really need a job.
so i went to bbq for some drinks after a little local falafel and i sat dead across the room, a good twenty feet from someone serious. i havent seen bay in five months. i havent gotten to hear her voice in about five weeks. a few late notes later and maybe we can see if we can handle it. can you?
if you let on that you are so tough, are you what you really are or are you what people perceive? or is what you really are what people perceive? its really the same as asking if youre completely alone, can anyone hear you?

Alexis Schuster: see, now THAT is an existential question if i ever heard one
Brett747: welcome to my life
Alexis Schuster: hahaha
Alexis Schuster: i think it's a mix of both, perosnally
Brett747: maybe
Alexis Schuster: i think that at base you are the way you are, but maybe people's perceptions of you help you to be more
Alexis Schuster: or less, depending
Brett747: but if it never gets tested by anyone, then you are what you talk yourself to be, because you are defined by society
Alexis Schuster: hmm
Alexis Schuster: but if you're defined by society, don't you think THAT is a kind of testing? as in, let's see if how you think of yourself lives up to what we think of you
Alexis Schuster: i think LIFE is testing
Brett747: the human self is not a preexisting form but shaped through social interaction
Alexis Schuster: what about hermits?
Brett747: the self imagines, the other judges
Alexis Schuster: the self judges as well though
Brett747: but life doesnt exist
Brett747: life isnt a judge
Alexis Schuster: hmm
Alexis Schuster: maybe
Brett747: and if the self is made to tell others one thing while knowing otherwise, it is trying to exist as that secondary thing, not the primary
Brett747: the self wants to exist as the second
Brett747: escaping from the first
Alexis Schuster: you do realize that it's past midnight
Alexis Schuster: and possibly i may not be able to argue as well as normal
Alexis Schuster: lol
Alexis Schuster: i see your point, though
Brett747: while the self may exist as the primary, it doesnt want to and it appears to all other who are the main judges and the only judges that count that the secondary is the 'true' self
Brett747: and this is aim
Brett747: were ridiculous
Alexis Schuster: yes
Alexis Schuster: but that's what makes us us
Alexis Schuster: yes
Alexis Schuster: but that's what makes us us
Alexis Schuster: okok, i see that, but i think that the other imagines- i tend to find that the times when i'm really frustrated with the way people are acting are when i assumed/imagined because of past experience or because of what i want or something that they are one way, but in realiity, i'm discovering they're not
Brett747: hm
Alexis Schuster: i think it's just a huge circle, personally
Brett747: and you judge and that is a definition of the person
Brett747: most likely
Alexis Schuster: mmm, but is definition the same as perception
Brett747: its understanding
Alexis Schuster: wait wair
Brett747: a common understanding
Alexis Schuster: ooooooooooh
Brett747: the way you perceive is the way in which you understand something
Alexis Schuster: ok, so you're saying that a definition is a common perception
Alexis Schuster: yes?
Brett747: and the way you communicate that understanding is through common definitions
Brett747: meh...they are connected
Alexis Schuster: mm
Brett747: i cant say flat out that they are =
Alexis Schuster: what what about percieving something you can't understand?
Alexis Schuster: no, agreed

welcome to my life

love is what makes this a life.
good thing im hated.

illegitimus non carborundum est


a new day is coming

today i had some crepe madness with an apple compote, dulce de leche, and some almonds. it was pretty good, but a little too much compote rather than apple. but its nice because it is to the rite of my apartment while the shabu shabu sushi restaurant is rite to the left fo my place. great.
i also had some chicken nachos and a great corona with emma rose, who had a creamsicle drink. kinda nice. oh being from arizona helps, at least to waiters. oh emma rose. love the talks.

tomorrow im seeing chelsea!
but tomorrow my mom also leaves. shes done some pretty good stuff for the apartment.

i love being here.

im jealous of the people going abroad and especially to italy...voglio vedere la mia echipa e non posso ma...puttana.

oh ya and ask me about auditing. apparently im the one that knows. or maybe you asked me by accident...i hope so.

two weeks till i see alexis!! ps, read hers. its cool. see to the left of this.

what if i fell to the floor? what would you do? what if im running from you?
bury me.

illegitimus non carborundum est



so my mom really likes cleaning and is doing the apartment. loving that.

gunna see a show tonite maybe. chicago? maybe. avenue q. sure.

pomme frites last nite for dinner. so good.

its kinda cold outside. not so into that but still no snow so im pretty much ok with that.

im thinking about job hunting. that could be fun. who knows. i like this bar/dessert place thats a few blocks away. and then an internship. who knows.

lets find out whats left to do today.

remember not to let the bastards get you down.

illegitimus non carborundum est



new apartment with brett
new piercing
and i got my mom to get a nose piercing

new life

illegitimus non carborundum est


city lites

and im off

ciao per adesson hotlanta

illegitimus non carborundum est


so i was talking to her when

rite now im on the fone.

im leaving tomorrow for new york. thank god. the first few days mite be fun. my mom will be with me. but then its just me and brett. people arent really showing up until like the fourteenth of fifteenth. well, no chelsea will be there on the thirteenth, yes...and ally should be around. but its tara and brett fun time before that. yay. this is all enthusiastic, but im in my bed and cant really tell where the one on my keyboard is so no exclamation points.

im a little burned out.

smokey is next to me. chillin.

im in the middle of ultraviolet. the movie. basically. its bad. whatever.

my fone is being clicky.

i got my canon back from telias today. thats nice. but i dont think ill be brining it up to ny. even as a back up. i kinda need, no, really need, a job in ny. maybe a foto store? maybe not? i need money. whatever. ill try selling my body. i dont think thatll work out too well though. food. i should just go back into the food business.

i just discussed the fact that its creepy to say that you like watching someone sleep when you are next to them. and maybe it is. but its nice. imagining whats happening inside their head.
probably nothing.

its raining.

i ate so much food tonite. steak, gratin, green beans, spanakopita, whiskey shrimp, four iced teas, a giant hot fuckin brownie, icecream. shit. well thats a lot for me. they were big portions.

'im glad im the crazy cancer bitch'-molly

illegitimus non carborundum est


being nash

today i went to my brothers audition for this movie and the casting director asked me to audition for a lead role. the last time i was in a play was in seventh grade when i was three of spades. this one was the reading for the front man in a band. my lines included me telling a gurl to give me head. it was fun. it was weird.
i felt really really bad.
my brother has been working really hard for these auditions and i got more attention than he did.
he did really well, i know. and he was actually really excited for me. but what was it inside? was he really? i think so. i dont know if i could be that way.
what happens next?

i also did it again today. no pain. not being upset. being ok. and being ok led to being exposed in the best sort of way, without being vulnerable. i like how it feels. i like not needing.

i went with my dad to see my grandfather. rather, where hes buried. my dad asked me to take pictures with him by the grave with his motorcycle. my grandad got my dad into motorcycles so it wasnt weird. but i dont take pictures of graves or things, other than monuments, that have to do with the dead. i dont know why. its out of principle i spose. but it was for my dad. i think it was ok. i hadnt been there since the funeral in 2005.

there was also a red tailed hawk in my yard.



emily called
and we are meeting tomorrow.
coulda slept better.
now i have a fucking headache.

oh the parents

so my dad felt bad for not being here for the break really so he brought us to dinner, where i made this killer salad with spinach, chicken, walnuts, dried cranberries, and some bleu cheese and some raszberry vinaigrette, and then we saw dream girls, haha, which is hilarious, because i promoted it in atlanta at the gay pride festival. it was actaully pretty good. im a fan.
emily is supposed to come over to have a talk about something but its gettin wicked late. and im still tipsy.
tonite, after the show, my dad went to the liquor store, and he nevvvver drinks, and bought two things of grey goose, one citron. theyd never had it before two weeks ago when i got them some. now he loves it for lemon drop martinis. so we made this killer mix with some lemon, lemon sugar, gran marnier, and grey goose citron. loooved it. i had a lot a lot. ya. they had a good amount. but like whoa. fun pictures.
so now im being lame.


comfort food

so i had some decaf and it wasnt very hot. weird because they told me they had just brewed it.
the conversation was less than fun though. especially with her storming off.

i bought a chocolate bar today. cote d'or. it has hazelnuts in it and i dont like hazelnuts. but it has to do with my fall break so i bought it and ate some. not bad.

i should sleep. im really hungry though.



today i found seventy-five euros left over.
so i went to american express to exchange it.
i got like ninety something. apparently the exchange rate is down to like $1.249 : e1 which is stupid. i think they ripped me off. they only take five off the top, the rest is the actual rate. of course when im supposed to benefit from the exchange rate, because i sure wasnt in italy with it being 33% more than the $, i get less. but whatever. i got some money.

i went to michaels, fast frame, and pearl to get this rag board. no one has the rite kind.
but there was a kid from the salvation army. and he is going to the turkey bowl or something. so i gave him ten dollars. i should have given him more.

it was senior nite for the wrestlers. i took a lot of pictures.

im editing our fotos. theyre nice.

i miss it. non mi piace.


looking back

so i started this whole thing saying that i was going to leave things like love behind. well that goddamn fucking well didnt work.
now its left behind.
no i wont tell you what you want to hear.
damn rite im afraid.
fuck my happiness, let me try and fucking make someone else be ok.
and its a long time coming mom and dad.
oh dads gunna sleep upstairs? no, you arent gunna half ass this? its not in between?
then get your divorce. ive told you that id support it.
its a long time coming.
oh i lite people up, i make them feel like they are all that matters at that very moment. and then theres a second moment and they mean nothing?
im not willing to compromise myself for this. for you, yes, and i have.
for this, this thing, this, fuck if i know, no i wont.
just bury me
just label me
just 'love' me
just hurt me
just cut me
just marry me
just laugh at me
just cry over me

well now its
just me

im not waking up the same this time
hard and scarred
carried away with all the bullshit of fake emotions
real emotions that i cant seem to get a grip on
i can only seem to grip the scissors and the matches

giving up?
no not giving up.
just not giving in
ive had my taste, more than a taste
ive had a few meals
im full
though so completely empty
but yes im full
rather, i had my share
thats more like it.
i just dont need anymore
yes im afraid of it
ill keep it away.

love hasnt taught me anything.
all the lessons it provided me with
i just seem to fail fail and fail
i suck at this emotions thing.

go fucking label someone else.
fuck hippys with their dreds and granola
fuck preps with their polos and pleats
fuck emo kids with their gauges and tight jeans
fuck stoners with their papers and pipes
fuck nerds with their dungeons and dragons
fuck skaters with their hats and shoes
get out of junior high
angst ridden and unable to love
pinned by society?

maybe the new medicine will help.


you were rite

so yes i will say afterwards that i miss it
and that it was better. maybe the best.

it wasnt anything like i thought it would be. it hasnt been. it wasnt in the end of august either. well i spose i didnt lose anything but time to do nothing.

its strange how, when dedecorating the house, that i felt nothing of the holidays. i wasnt there for the decorating but i was the one pulling it all down. how do you grow with seventee, eighteen, maybe nineteen years of this feeling of family and home and holidays and then...nothing?

the winter has never been a good time. no not true, only for the past six or so.

maybe if i have someone to do it all for it will be good.

ill wait.


heres to the new one

people need love

in the end id rather help and love than the other way around

but it doesnt mean i dont feel the lack of it

no thats not true
i dont feel the lack of it
i can feel your hate

but its a new year.

not that it means anything, but lets be symbolic and idealogical for a moment.
couldnt you be ok with me, at least to see?

i hope so.

lets start with an unbearable liteness of love.

like with this