you know what, i think were growing up...

7.1.07

being nash


today i went to my brothers audition for this movie and the casting director asked me to audition for a lead role. the last time i was in a play was in seventh grade when i was three of spades. this one was the reading for the front man in a band. my lines included me telling a gurl to give me head. it was fun. it was weird.
i felt really really bad.
my brother has been working really hard for these auditions and i got more attention than he did.
he did really well, i know. and he was actually really excited for me. but what was it inside? was he really? i think so. i dont know if i could be that way.
what happens next?

i also did it again today. no pain. not being upset. being ok. and being ok led to being exposed in the best sort of way, without being vulnerable. i like how it feels. i like not needing.

i went with my dad to see my grandfather. rather, where hes buried. my dad asked me to take pictures with him by the grave with his motorcycle. my grandad got my dad into motorcycles so it wasnt weird. but i dont take pictures of graves or things, other than monuments, that have to do with the dead. i dont know why. its out of principle i spose. but it was for my dad. i think it was ok. i hadnt been there since the funeral in 2005.


there was also a red tailed hawk in my yard.

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