looking back

so i started this whole thing saying that i was going to leave things like love behind. well that goddamn fucking well didnt work.
now its left behind.
no i wont tell you what you want to hear.
damn rite im afraid.
fuck my happiness, let me try and fucking make someone else be ok.
and its a long time coming mom and dad.
oh dads gunna sleep upstairs? no, you arent gunna half ass this? its not in between?
then get your divorce. ive told you that id support it.
its a long time coming.
oh i lite people up, i make them feel like they are all that matters at that very moment. and then theres a second moment and they mean nothing?
clearly.
im not willing to compromise myself for this. for you, yes, and i have.
for this, this thing, this, fuck if i know, no i wont.
just bury me
just label me
just 'love' me
just hurt me
just cut me
just marry me
just laugh at me
just cry over me

well now its
just me

im not waking up the same this time
hard and scarred
carried away with all the bullshit of fake emotions
real emotions that i cant seem to get a grip on
i can only seem to grip the scissors and the matches

giving up?
no not giving up.
just not giving in
ive had my taste, more than a taste
ive had a few meals
im full
though so completely empty
but yes im full
rather, i had my share
thats more like it.
i just dont need anymore
yes im afraid of it
ill keep it away.

love hasnt taught me anything.
all the lessons it provided me with
i just seem to fail fail and fail
i suck at this emotions thing.

go fucking label someone else.
fuck hippys with their dreds and granola
fuck preps with their polos and pleats
fuck emo kids with their gauges and tight jeans
fuck stoners with their papers and pipes
fuck nerds with their dungeons and dragons
fuck skaters with their hats and shoes
get out of junior high
angst ridden and unable to love
maybe
pinned by society?
no.

maybe the new medicine will help.