you know what, i think were growing up...


two pills and a slap across my face

so foto is finally retaking over my life.
im very happy about that.
ive been printing a ton, going to exhibits, and went to a panel discussion today.
i also joined

i saw alexey titarenko's new gallery showing, "havana sketches."
it was really really good.
his sepia toning was so mild that i thought he had printed on warm tone paper.
i also got to see his st. petersburg stuff which i have been dying to see.
i was in awe.
ive never felt that way looking at pictures.
i have to meet him.

i walked around for the last two hours or so with jen just catchin up.

i got a lot done today.
i sent alexandra a late birthday package and
i bought a refill for my monte blanc pen and
i went to two skateshops and
i went to a fotografia panel and
i went to class which was amazing and
i found out about good stuff for dying my hair and
i bought two skinny ties which i will post later and
i bought three mini tie dye wallet things for two bucks each and
i talked to the woman who made them who is from nepal and
i downloaded the muse discography and
i got litebulbs and
i got food and
i looked at shoes and
i returned my library books now that my ingo class is done and
i mailed bailey a note and
i sent out a few emails and
i pressed my prints and
i dont have my list with me for all the things i crossed off today.

i was supposed to see emily tonite and hang out at her studio but she got too tired.
no worrys because we mite later this weekend.

i have two lsu friends coming to chill in the city on saturday but no molly and no aline which sucks.

i need to write a foto response paper and read a foto article in the morning and then print and then go to class and then go to 'i am sexual' to win the rabbit and eat a cake that looks like a big set of breasts and then something else i think but i cant remember.

i miss kissing.
just nice kissing.

illegitimus non carborundum est


my favorite from this weeks postsecret

illegitimus non carborundum est

so far today...

(the streak was red)

i woke up at seven
had a good shower
saw that it was fifty-five out
put on a killer outfit
had an ok omelette and really good cookie crisps
bought two grosses of eclipse gum
read for class went to class
listened to the gurl next to me say that sterilization, which she later specified to me as 'tubal litigation,' is the number one form of birth control in the us
realized i read the two wrong assignments for class
got out of class
talked to my teacher about my role on the panel tonite regarding contemporary feminism
burned a cd for alexandra
changed clothes because now its seventy
am about to leave to send a package to italia
and am going to view alexey titarenkos echibit on fifty-seventh street.

so good.

illegitimus non carborundum est


for my second project
not even close to done though
thought id share though
ciao per adesso.


illegitimus non carborundum est



i got to talk to alexis last nite. that was really nice.
i miss her.
even though ive seen her about four times in my life, they were all stellar times and just thinking about the fact that shes not around, even though i really never see her anyways, is depressing. but nice. because missing her means she counts.

mine is recomplicated, too.

illegitimus non carborundum est

19.3.07 on...

it mite have taken me about two hours tonite and ways to many days before
but i finally asked how complicated are we?

its like every weight got lifted off, just by asking.
its like finally i can push past that brittled candy like barrier and just talk to her and actually do something about us.

she didnt have much to say.
im glad though.
because i just needed to know that i had the confidence to ask, to say,
to wonder out loud.
and she was ok with it.
its not quite as delicate as i thought.

on the other hand the former other lover has built a wall of words and hate.
as much as i had never wished that to come about,
im glad.
there is no contest in my mind.
there is no longer a real choice to make.
i did nothing wrong.
i didnt do anything wrong when i was in italy but i still stepped past the boundaries of love.
this time, i didnt step the wrong way or break any rules.
i was better.
and i am still hated.
and im glad.
because now there is no question.

but will i get the chance to see the possible revival into fruition?
probably not.
not because it wont happen.
but probably because
i wont be around for it to happen.

this was my favorite from post secret today.

thats kinda how i feel.
and im glad.

illegitimus non carborundum est


it only happens one in a hundred when your name is at the top.
but on that hundredth time i could die inside
because it
feels so good.
so this morning
i died.

illegitimus non carborundum est
so i know that you dont do all the
calling or sending of messages like i do.
and maybe thats just a way of seeing if ill
send or call anymore.
and that works
but i doubt that its any sort of strategy.
regardless though, i think that im
less worried about seeming
than i am of not letting you know

i really miss you.

illegitimus non carborundum est
its in the ordinary ways
in the simplest moments
at the perfect time
on the rite occasion
when im alone
when i look through the lens
when im falling asleep
as i think ill cry
and then i cant
buttoning my shirt
talking to friends
tasting a drink a bite
biting my lip
when the timing is the worst
or in my darkest moments
together with family
waking up
drunk or stoned
without you
even as i talk about you
or when im holding the blades
if im listening to music
writing this
feeling nothing
and everything
when it hurts the most and
when i cant tell if it hurts
i know then
all this time
that yes

did you know that?

illegitimus non carborundum est


mine too

my heart hurts without you

my heart hurts without you too

but dont let it hurt too much because i know where you are
and that you really arent that far away
i know that youre going to come back to me one day
i know that the worrys, the hurts, the tears, the smiles
are both a part of our lives that we can share over thousands of miles
just let yourself know that its ok to be unsure
of the people in your life and the things that you do that may not be pure
because in the end you know that itll work out
because in the end you know what everythings about
so dont let your heart hurt
let your heart be in song
let it be confused, in angst, in torrid love
and just let it remember where it came from.

illegitimus non carborundum est

the weighted dreams that keep me floating

i think i stayed over at her place for about three nites, with nothing happening.
and they were perfect...?
they felt perfect.
but its the questioning, the every moment of wondering 'should i, will she?"
what do you do when arent going for the first, but youre going for the most important?
its so hard to control that feeling of longing and yearning and loving.
those feelings, rather.
because i do. all of those. for her.
for them.

did i fall back in or did i ever get out?
maybe i was just sitting on the side
the more broken side of the tub
and i left my feet still in.
you got up, sat there too.
walked away for and after a few.
i think you were looking around the corner, trying to see if my feet stayed wet
but not knowing where you went i was worried
started to fret.
so i went looking but you thought i went away
you kept from getting back in that tub
bubbling, swimming with love.
it died itself down, got cold and spiteful
and you still thought i was gone leaving you around.
in fact i was looking, but found an old feeling
only this feeling was different.
i didnt have to ask, i never wondered what she meant.
i wanted to be back in that tub,
bubbles of love,
back with you but you wouldnt take truth
but here we are now.
you "called on me"
and i held you closer than youd let anyone else
with almost no words spoken i made it alright.
now every time i think of you
i think that maybe id better not know
know whether or not youd like me to call.
youve told me before when i have felt like this
but im in a different position
certainly not blissful this state
because it makes me feel like youd like me to wait.
i wont i cant i have to get you right now,
even as you talk about significant others and just
how theyll make you feel better.
please please let me make you feel better.
dont talk to me like your friend again.
talk to me like you love me again.
ive never talked to you like youre a friend.

illegitimus non carborundum est


why are things going so well between us?
its fucking things up.

illegitimus non carborundum est
i saw bright eyes tonite

illegitimus non carborundum est


i just dont understand. how can you give her everything i want?

two messages spurred a midnite phone call.
sitting in the hallway i listen to the start of a panic attack.
a little while later im there to hold.
i havent held in a long time.
crying crying sobing.
calm down. rubbing her back making sure she can be ok.
i think less than ten words went back and forth last nite.
i sat and held.
i layed and held.
hands wiping tears
hands holding hands
hands rubbing stomachs backs arms.
id like to do it again.
it came to find me today when my hand was grabbed the way i grabbed last nite.
ill do it agian.
but with who now?

holding hands with former lovers can stop the world

illegitimus non carborundum est