alexandra wants to come on the fourteenth. i bailed once on her about her coming here. i cant bail again. however, with jaclyn in the picture, i cant do this to myself again. i cant find a former lover, i cant find someone that i can feel that i can hold, with emotion or not, when i am in the midst of building and sustaining something so good. even if i want to have a week with alexandra, no holds barred, i cant do it to myself this time. i cant do it to jaclyn. shed never know. but i dont want there to be something that she doesnt know. she is completely ok with alexandra visiting me, shes not concerned. because she isnt concerned i cant have anything happen with alexandra. i cant have alexandra come.
alexandra is about to call me back. i was just talking to her, explaining that i dont think that we should try to be physical when she comes because i dont want to fall back into something that we had before. i dont want to feel that love again. it hurts way too fucking much. i cant reconnect. i cant tear it open because i dont want to sew it shut again. ive detached, and so has she. she explained that. she doesnt feel connected to me. good. fuck. no. good.she is questioning the point in her coming here too. she realizes that she wants to come mainly because she wants to see me, but we both know that its a vindication thing. she wants to know that she had and has the power over me to get me to buckle and have her arive. she isnt trying to win me back, and she wouldnt be able to. i still need to think more about this. she hasnt called back yet. she said five minutes. its been about fifteen. oh well.
illegitimus non carborundum est
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1 comment:
sweetie i think if you're both questioning it, she shouldn't come. and i think that if you feel the way it sounds like you do about jaclyn, and you DON'T want to fall into this with alexandra again, then you shouldn't have her come. i dunno, i mean, if you want to see her that's good but i feel like if you already see in yourself and in her that you have doubts about it, then maybe she shouldn't visit. dunno. it's a tough sitch.
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