you know what, i think were growing up...

14.6.07

farewell florida

i have spent the last two weeks in florida, the first in destin and the most recent in orlando, with mark. weve taken orlando and done everything we can with it. weve ridden the hulk about twelve times, the dr doom a ton, i ate way too fucking much, ive burned down a few cigars while on the phone, i spent too many quarters on nostalgic video games, ive eaten fish, ive talked to every ex and even a gurl too far away to handle who i just cant get close enough too. ive even spoken with friends from far away lands and those who have returned. all in all, its been a pretty damn good past few weeks. i road tripped to destin, then i drove to baton rouge, then back, then back, then flew to orlando. ive met rockers, hottys, white trash, readjusted things with my brother, and gone through a little family hell.

now i have alexandra waiting in atlanta. what am i supposed to do with that? i dont want this emotiona rollercoaster. ive been on real ones already. i wont be feeling feelings of love, i wont be wanting another try. she will, however, pssively manipulate her way into my pants which i want no part of. i dont want any opportunity and i dont want her. i care for her on an unbelievable extent, but i want nothing reminiscent of what we were, of what we loved. i take back what i said about her passively manipulating her way into my pants. she wont bother. ive laid it out that i wont take part and i will continue to do so.

regarding family hell...the hell is not so much hell. its a purgatory, really. a liminal waiting place where decisions either dont come quickly enough or they just come forced upon.
finally, though, my parents have had it out, it seems for the last time, and are throwing in the towel, or however the phrase goes. its looks like a twenty-one year marriage and a twenty-six year relationship mite finally comes to a california-rolling stop.
.thank.god.
for years ive asked to move out with someone, since about freshman year of high school. finally i got to when i left for college, but it just wasnt far enough.
i did it, i actually did it when i got to italy, but comin back to the states left me more depressed than ever. the realization that there is, in fact, a life to be lived state-side. one that i dont want to be in.
so my upset days and weeks in new york, that really were just atlanta transposed into the northeast, have brought my parents' focus to my well-being, after ive learned to grow with the pain and work with it in other ways.
thanks for picking up about six years too late. thanks for modifying my life.
it has pulled me into a summer of atlanta, opposite of where i want and need to be. it has opened the doors, though, to places i dont wish to travel, to schools and decisions that i want no part of for the next few years, but it isnt really my decision, is it? no, the check-writer tells me where im happyst.
while i may have won over my mom with my emotional testimony of gallatins unique values and puzzle-like fit into my life, my guideline-driven father cannot allow a bending-boundary institution, force, to become my environment.
it is, in fact, rules that govern us, did you know? and that we really dont have much more than a box in which to think.

fuck the box. let me make a mandelbrot of my life.

illegitimus non carborundum est

1 comment:

Alexis said...

wow. wow. i had no idea that was going on... i wish you'd have let me be there for you, babe, and help you or at least try to, and listen... please promise me that now that i'm home you will call when you need to, ok?

you are brave enough, strong enough, to make your life into whatever you want to be. i seriously believe that. i think that you need to remember that and to follow your heart in whatever- school, girls, family...

thank you for what you said, your comment... just remember that there's someone over here who thinks the world of you, and will be there. kay?