so i know that you dont do all the
calling or sending of messages like i do.
and maybe thats just a way of seeing if ill
send or call anymore.
and that works
but i doubt that its any sort of strategy.
regardless though, i think that im
less worried about seeming
annoying
than i am of not letting you know
that

i really miss you.

illegitimus non carborundum est

its in the ordinary ways
in the simplest moments
at the perfect time
on the rite occasion
when im alone
when i look through the lens
when im falling asleep
as i think ill cry
and then i cant
buttoning my shirt
talking to friends
tasting a drink a bite
biting my lip
when the timing is the worst
or in my darkest moments
together with family
waking up
drunk or stoned
without you
even as i talk about you
or when im holding the blades
if im listening to music
writing this
feeling nothing
and everything
when it hurts the most and
when i cant tell if it hurts
i know then
still
all this time
that yes
i.love.you.


did you know that?








illegitimus non carborundum est

mine too

my heart hurts without you

my heart hurts without you too

but dont let it hurt too much because i know where you are
and that you really arent that far away
i know that youre going to come back to me one day
i know that the worrys, the hurts, the tears, the smiles
are both a part of our lives that we can share over thousands of miles
just let yourself know that its ok to be unsure
of the people in your life and the things that you do that may not be pure
because in the end you know that itll work out
because in the end you know what everythings about
so dont let your heart hurt
let your heart be in song
let it be confused, in angst, in torrid love
and just let it remember where it came from.

illegitimus non carborundum est

the weighted dreams that keep me floating

i think i stayed over at her place for about three nites, with nothing happening.
and they were perfect...?
they felt perfect.
but its the questioning, the every moment of wondering 'should i, will she?"
what do you do when arent going for the first, but youre going for the most important?
its so hard to control that feeling of longing and yearning and loving.
those feelings, rather.
because i do. all of those. for her.
for them.

did i fall back in or did i ever get out?
maybe i was just sitting on the side
the more broken side of the tub
and i left my feet still in.
you got up, sat there too.
walked away for and after a few.
i think you were looking around the corner, trying to see if my feet stayed wet
but not knowing where you went i was worried
started to fret.
so i went looking but you thought i went away
you kept from getting back in that tub
bubbling, swimming with love.
it died itself down, got cold and spiteful
and you still thought i was gone leaving you around.
in fact i was looking, but found an old feeling
only this feeling was different.
i didnt have to ask, i never wondered what she meant.
i wanted to be back in that tub,
bubbles of love,
back with you but you wouldnt take truth
but here we are now.
you "called on me"
and i held you closer than youd let anyone else
with almost no words spoken i made it alright.
now every time i think of you
i think that maybe id better not know
know whether or not youd like me to call.
youve told me before when i have felt like this
but im in a different position
certainly not blissful this state
because it makes me feel like youd like me to wait.
i wont i cant i have to get you right now,
even as you talk about significant others and just
how theyll make you feel better.
please please let me make you feel better.
dont talk to me like your friend again.
talk to me like you love me again.
ive never talked to you like youre a friend.

illegitimus non carborundum est

why are things going so well between us?
its fucking things up.

illegitimus non carborundum est

i saw bright eyes tonite

illegitimus non carborundum est

i just dont understand. how can you give her everything i want?

two messages spurred a midnite phone call.
sitting in the hallway i listen to the start of a panic attack.
a little while later im there to hold.
i havent held in a long time.
crying crying sobing.
calm down. rubbing her back making sure she can be ok.
i think less than ten words went back and forth last nite.
i sat and held.
i layed and held.
hands wiping tears
hands holding hands
hands rubbing stomachs backs arms.
id like to do it again.
it came to find me today when my hand was grabbed the way i grabbed last nite.
ill do it agian.
but with who now?


holding hands with former lovers can stop the world

illegitimus non carborundum est