black and white negatives and positives

illegitimus non carborundum est

fuck

besides being the best word in general, fuck is the best word to describe my life.
at least for rite now.

ive fucked up things with alexandra.
i am a bit too fucking behind on my foto assignments.
my hair is a bit too fucking big.
i bought a sweet fucking tshirt.
fuck ya im seein brite eyes on friday nite.
i have fucked thing up with alexandra.

after getting off the phone the first time, when we decided to be 'all' from 'all or nothing' i felt like something was wrong. immediately knowing not to go into it, i did. though with about five hours of debate.
the post on fucking facebook, the goddamn bane of my existence, obviously pissed off bailey. im getting to the point there where i kinda want to say screw that. i dont want to. but its getting there.
then this past weekend, alexandra and i talked and i asked for us to step back from the 'all,' which she agreed to and with, as she had noticed the weirdness that had ensued since the week before.
but then i decided to go farther.
i asked for us to move back even more significantly. like back to where my stance was when i left italy. i want to put relations with bailey on at least an amicable level. whether or not anything goes from there, well see. im not counting on it. i dont know if im hoping for it.
all of this i addressed to alexandra and she seemed, more than anything, genuinely happy that i had been honest.
truth, it seems, is the primary concern for her.
truth, it seems, is the primary problem for me.
at least to her.
so now im on the fone with her. finally.
but the last few days have been her not being happy to talk to me, which is warranted, but i still wanna talk to her. whenever i can.
i think i still mite want to be with her. put everything aside and be with her.
i think so.

illegitimus non carborundum est

i am letting the telephone ring
cause i don't want to know why
i don't want to hear you explain
i don't want to hear you cry
i have written so much about you
so much i thought i knew
words like water used to flow
now what could i possibly have to say?
she is someone i don't even know
and all the things that you've given to me
i see now were simply reparations
they were gifts of your guilt
they were my preparation
i know i should be mature
keep my feet on the floor
but for some reason,
i just don't want them anymore
i know this shouldn't be important
compared to you and i
but i can still hear my questions
and i can still hear you
i can still hear you
lie
now vicariously i have her in me
i want to peel off my skin
let the water wash in
you always said that i was hiding
that i was hiding from you
but you are capable of things i could not do
you are capable of things i could not do
i remember how you pretended
how you pretended to touch me
i remember how i couldn't bring myself to believe
i remember wondering,
what was wrong
what was wrong
how could i be so naive
how could i be so naive?

illegitimus non carborundum est

at 72 youre legally insane

its 1238am on friday.
the last time i was asleep was at 65959 am on tuesday.
thats 65 hours 38 mins and some seconds

illegitimus non carborundum est

because i can see in the dark

long photoshoot with brett and jacqui yesterday.
it was for a cute nice gurl so it was ok.
then to uptown and a walk through harlem to get to columbia to meet up with emily.
caffe swish.
architecture studios.
then to open bar with brett.
whoa.
a gurl came up to me and told me that she loved my hair.
i thought that was funny.
we ended up talking about stuff and shes into the same education reform stuff i am and is from texas. it was cool. kinda hilarious that we were drinking at the bar and then talking education policy. love it.
i was there for a "friend's" birthday and we ended up getting bottle service there. absolut. i hate absolut. it always makes me sick. it made me sick last nite too. then we went to le souk for hookah and yet another bottle service but this time grey goose. the good thing was the whole time, i paid for me and one person for taxi and a subway ride. so nice.
i ate twizzlers and animal crackers when i got home.
i woke up with a headache. that was the first time drinking had ever done that to me. the closest ive ever been to a hangover.
now papers.
and discussions.


illegitimus non carborundum est

.luce. by adamek

illegitimus non carborundum est