im in florida rite now

tomorrow im goin to baton rouge to visit molly and maybe ill see aline

then im goin back to destin

then im going back to atlanta

then im going to orlando

then im going back to atlanta

and i will be meeting alexandra in the airport

and she will spend a few days in atlanta with me

this will all be done by the fourteenth

im tan

thats fun

i miss new york

thats not

ive got some good buddys here though, my really only real like guy buddys

it makes me feel like such a loser to say something like that, like i shouldnt even have to state it. im glad they dont really know that i like seek out the time i can get from them and love chillin out and drinkin beer and looking at gurls and just being in the sun. they are what life is about.

now im gunna go have oysters with them.

illegitimus non carborundum est

i know rite? it is kinda well really tough. we ended up talking more. im better about her visitng because the fact of the matter is that i do miss her as a person and good times and stuff. so i want to see her, i just dont want to feel the aftereffects ya know? thats what it is. i talked to her about the other stuff that would get me back into the feelings if you know what i mean, and she kinda agreed and we will play it as is. ill figure it out. ive been a lot better lately about being upfront and honest about precarious positions. but i could still be more upfront i spose. alexandra doesnt know about jaclyn, but i dunno. its not that she has to, but im sure shed feel a little meh about it. thats the thing; im not trying to protect myself in this. i just dont want her to hurt. i dont want anyone to hurt.

illegitimus non carborundum est

mixology

alexandra wants to come on the fourteenth. i bailed once on her about her coming here. i cant bail again. however, with jaclyn in the picture, i cant do this to myself again. i cant find a former lover, i cant find someone that i can feel that i can hold, with emotion or not, when i am in the midst of building and sustaining something so good. even if i want to have a week with alexandra, no holds barred, i cant do it to myself this time. i cant do it to jaclyn. shed never know. but i dont want there to be something that she doesnt know. she is completely ok with alexandra visiting me, shes not concerned. because she isnt concerned i cant have anything happen with alexandra. i cant have alexandra come.
alexandra is about to call me back. i was just talking to her, explaining that i dont think that we should try to be physical when she comes because i dont want to fall back into something that we had before. i dont want to feel that love again. it hurts way too fucking much. i cant reconnect. i cant tear it open because i dont want to sew it shut again. ive detached, and so has she. she explained that. she doesnt feel connected to me. good. fuck. no. good.she is questioning the point in her coming here too. she realizes that she wants to come mainly because she wants to see me, but we both know that its a vindication thing. she wants to know that she had and has the power over me to get me to buckle and have her arive. she isnt trying to win me back, and she wouldnt be able to. i still need to think more about this. she hasnt called back yet. she said five minutes. its been about fifteen. oh well.

illegitimus non carborundum est

ive been waiting

ive been waiting for this moment all nite long



silversun pickups. i cant stop.

illegitimus non carborundum est

two for this week

because its a special week



illegitimus non carborundum est

this atlanta thing isnt working out.
and in the worst kind of way.

i think im gunna stick it out until i have enough money for a plane ticket and a few weeks rent somewhere cheap.
i think im gunna talk to financial aid about how i can pay for school myself.

i think i need to be twenty years old and do things for myself.


jaclyn's was great.
were great. were in intense.
i like it.
the song before, the it hurts, was sort of in reference to alexandra but also just stuff i had been listening to.
she is forcing her way into seeing me in atlanta and i am allowing her to do so.
but now shes being condescending and not fun again.
i dont want her to come again.
but i cant do that.
shell hate me.
i cant have that.
i dont know why but i cant.
i told her i wouldnt.

im terrible.
but im not.
what am i doing?

i cant be here anymore.

this weeks postsecrets are amazing.

illegitimus non carborundum est

schedule

friday
0642 wake up
0730 arrive at budget
0800 start driving budget truck
1200 stop driving budget truck
1230 arrive at apartment
1312 get to bus station
1400 be in new jersey?
1412 be at jaclyns?
should i stay or should i go?

saturday
pack
1200 orientation in the park
1300 leave the park
pack

sunday
0402 wake up
0500 arrive in park
1000 aids walk starts
1230 aids walk ends?
1300 give tour to brothers friend
1500 go to bus station
1600 get to new jersey
1612 get to jaclyns
scrabbbbbble

mk.

illegitimus non carborundum est